Eyes Wide Open

I DID IT!! Yep, that's me!! I got home last night, bruised, bitten, weather-beaten, sunburnt, exhausted, and really hungry for real food, but it's taken me until today to come back to the real world!

I had the most amazing trip ever. I think that it will take me a few posts to get in everything I wanted to share, but since I got home there's really one memory that has been on my mind constantly, and it was one of those huge life moments where suddenly you see things on a whole new level. So I wanted to share it with everybody.

Last Wednesday, we were each required to do a 24 hour *solo experience* for this trip. The instructors went around and chose isolated spots for everyone and we were allowed to have a few requests for how far we could handle being away and if we wanted to be near a lake or creek, etc, stuff like that. I had planned to draw on some rocks so I asked to be further away where I had some good surfaces. Anyway, my spot ended up being in a dried up old waterfall bed nestled between 2 peaks, one side was treed and the other was rock with a nice grassy platform a few feet up. Then, if I walked near the top of the old waterfall bed, I had an amazing view of 3 mountains, and 7 amazing waterfalls. If I walked down the bed I looked down into the small valley and could see the tents in our camp and the lakes. I had the best of 2 worlds, both spectacular.

The only downfall was the bugs. They were horrible. Pine beetles, red ants, misquitos, horseflys, regular flies, spiders, PREGNANT SPIDERS, beetles, things I've never even dreamed could exist. ...you name it. And each new species I discovered seemed to get BIGGER AND BIGGER. I spent most of my time in a full body bug net, but they even got into there, and during the night I was attacked and when I woke up I had bites all over my cheekbones that swelled up pretty good. The worst one was from a horsefly, which made me even more freaked out, and bothered me the most because they seemed to buzz SO LOUD.

So, moving along, I didn't sleep very well and I was awake long before the sun, and I greeted it from a rocky cragg overlooking my waterfalls, wrote a little and basked in the beauty of it all until the underworld of pestilence arose from their evil breeding ground and sniffed me out.

I'm sure it wasn't too difficult.

So I decided to retreat to the partial safety of my bug net. I grabbed my oh so comfortable rubber mat I had to sleep on, and my sleeping bag and headed up to the grassy flat on the rock side which was one of the only spots where the sun could reach in my little creek bed.

But the bugs were relentless. I seemed to attract the horseflys the most and hearing the loud buzzing constantly was driving me insane. I was scared of getting bit again. And even at the time I was thinking... I have done everything I have so far with no fear, spent the night alone on a mountain...how dumb is this to be scared of those stupid horseflys. I just climbed into my sleeping bag, put the net over the upper half of my body the best I could and drifted off into an on again off again snooze. Every once in a while I would feel something crawling on me or crawl in with me (they're crafty suckers) and I couldn't wait for the next 8 hours to pass. I got caught up in the moment of being resentful and irritated and frankly quite cranky.

Then, out of nowhere I heard this buzzing whiz by my head. Nothing like the horseflys, Nothing like I had never heard in my life. And I thought HOLY CRAP thats one big mother horsefly...and if it isn't!!! What in the world could fly that fast and sound like a fricken lawnmower, and if it SOUNDED like a fricken lawnmower, Oh my god, I was scared to death what it would look like and most of all how big were the teeth.

I squinched my eyes closed as tight as I could and balled up in my bag, and for about 15 minutes every few minutes I would hear these razor fast wings coming dangerously close to me, and I didn't want to look to see what it was, and I couldn't wait for it to end. When it did, I packed up my things and went back down to my tarp and slept in there.

Later on that afternoon, as we all got back to the base camp, another woman on the trip came up to me and said she saw me sleeping in the sunshine up in the rocks.

I grumbled "ya, it was horrible, I couldn't sleep up there, I was getting eaten alive up there, and I heard the most god awful buzzing noises all around me."

"Ya", she said, "those were HUMMINGBIRDS. They must have a nest up there in the rocks or something."

I was completely speechless, and SO disappointed in myself. For those few fifteen minutes up there I let fear take me over and I probably missed out on the most beautiful and amazing experiences I could have in my life.

I closed my eyes. I didn't get to see the hummingbirds, and I will regret that for the rest of my life.

So I have decided that from now on, no matter what, no matter where I am, or what's going on around me to discourage me, there is so much all around to see if I can look past it, and up and forward, and I'm not going to close my eyes in fear anymore. And just being able to learn that in such an amazing way made all the bug bites kinda worth it. I'm proud of my battle scars, and greatful I was able to be there and have this life lesson.

YoDeL-Ay-He-HoO!

That's stuck in my head. Maybe because I am going on my hiking trip in about 48 hours.

Yes correct, I am officially completely insane. I was *supposed* to start training with a 60 lb backpack like 5 MONTHS AGO, but did I listen? Noooooooooo, I did not. Dillusions of physical adequecy or new-found confidence??!...well it's hard to tell. But I've never been one to turn down a challenge. And I can handle just about anything. "Except intolerance to other peoples cultures. And the Dutch. " :) I am teetering on the brinks of being completely terrified to the other extreme of excitement and anticipation. It's an emotional see saw. I've felt from the very beginning I was meant to go, and I can't wait. I think it's cool to do something brave that you're scared to do. Like when I went skydiving. It's empowering. And I've climbed so many mountains of my own this past year I guess I just think this will be gravy. And even if not, I think of what I tell my kids all the time..."Just because something is hard, it doesn't mean you can't do it. It means you have to try harder." Part of me right now wants to kick myself in the ass for saying that and the other half feels like I deserve a pat on the back. I can't stand this internal bickering. Maybe I'll kick myself in the back and be done with it. Someone used to tell me that all I am is just a pretty face, and other than that I was nothing, that people didn't like me and if they did, once they got to know the *real* me they wouldn't like me anymore. For so long those words held me back, in every way possible. And even sometimes now when I'm not paying attention they'll try to creep back but I don't listen anymore. All I know for sure is this was meant to be. And whether I go and do it, or die trying, (where's some WOOD! Knock on wood!), it's just another part of my journey and I'm sure if I do make it back I'll be a little different of a person. It is my mission on this trip to take every bit of anger, bitterness, resentment, rage, disappointment and negativity I've felt in the last 6 years and find it and use it as my fuel... I'll have a jet pack. So to all those who think I don't have it in me to do this, I only have 9 words for you... Yodel-ady, yodel-ady, yo-de-lay-hee hoo! Yodel-ady, yodel-ady, yo-de-lay-hee hoo! Yodel-ady, yodel-ady, yo-de-lay-hee hoo! See you all August 5th!

Check out PostSecret

( PostSecret is an ongoing community art project where people mail in their secrets anonymously on one side of a homemade postcard. )

http://postsecret.blogspot.com/

Wicked Illusions

Good Security Measures

How to install a wireless security system:

1) Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used work boots, a really big pair. 2) Put them outside your front door on top of a copy of Guns and Ammo magazine. 3) Put a dog dish beside it. A really big dish. 4) Leave a note on your front door that says something like:

"Bubba, Big Mike and I have gone to get more ammo - back in 15 minutes. Don't disturb the Pitbulls, they've just been wormed and are mad as hell." Signed: Billy Bob.

Twelve Books...

Twelve Books You’ll Never See In A Bookstore … taking into account the authors and the books’ titles

1. How to Pleasure a Woman – by Mike Tyson 2. Words I’ve Never Mispernounced – by George W. Bush 3. Pacifist’s Guide to World Domination – by Cindy Shehan 4. Things I’ve NEVER Lied About – by Bill Clinton 5. Prudent Shotgun Handling – Dick Cheney 6. Why America Is Just THE BEST – The Dixie Chicks 7. Things I Absolutely Love About President Bush – Michael Moore 8. My Strategy for Finding the Real Killer — by O.J. Simpson [Forward by Scott Peterson] 9. To All the Men We’ve Loved Before — by Ellen DeGeneres & Rosie O’Donnell 10. The Book of Baby Names – by George Foreman 11. My Beauty Secrets – by Jane Reno [Forward by Madeleine Albright] 12. Things I Love About Bill – Hillary Clinton [Forward by Ann Coulter]

Free Fallin'

AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

This is me skydiving at the Westlock, AB airport...that's the runway down below.

By far that was probably the scariest thing I've willingly done.

Taylor and I want to go this summer so if anyone else wants to join in let me know!

Love Quiz

1. You are walking to your boyfriend/girlfriend's house. There are two roads to get there. One is a straight path which takes you there quickly, but is very plain and boring. The other is curvy and full of wonderful sights on the way, but takes quite a while to reach your loved one's house. WHICH PATH DO YOU CHOOSE? Short or long? 2. On the way, you see two rose bushes. One is full of white roses. One is full of red roses. You decide to pick 20 roses for your boyfriend/girlfriend. WHAT COLOR COMBINATION DO YOU CHOOSE? (Any combination including all one color is fine.) 3. You finally get to your boyfriend/girlfriend's house. You ring the bell and the maid answers. You can ask the maid to please get your loved one, or you may go get them yourself. WHICH ACTION DO YOU TAKE? Ask the maid or do it yourself? 4. Now, you go up to your girlfriend/boyfriends room. No one is there. You can leave the roses by the windowsill, or on the bed. WHERE DO YOU PUT THE ROSES? Bed or window? 5. Later, its time for bed. You and your loved one go to sleep, in separate rooms. You wake up in the morning, and go to your boyfriend/girlfriend's room to check up on him/her. You enter the room: IS HE/SHE AWAKE OR SLEEPING? 6. It's time to go home now, and you start to head back. You can take either road home now: The plain, boring one thats gets you home fast; or the curvy, sight-filled road that you can just casually take your time with. WHICH ROAD DO YOU CHOOSE? Short or long? Analysis 1. Which road do you choose to take to your love's house? The roads represent your attitude towards falling in love. If you chose the short one, you fall in love quickly and easily. If you chose the long one, you take your time and do not fall in love easily. 2. What combination of roses do you choose to give your love? The number of red roses represent how much you expect to give in a relationship. The number of white roses represent how much you expect in a relationship. Therefore, if a person chose all red with one white, he/she gives 90% in the relationship but expects to receive only 10% back. 3. Do you ask the maid to get your love, or do you do it yourself? This question shows your attitude in handling relationship problems. If you asked the maid to get your loved one, then you may beat around the bush, maybe asking a third party to intervene. Avoidance of problems runs high. If you went and got your loved one yourself, then you are pretty direct. If there is a problem, you confront it and deal with it. You want to work it out right away. 4. Where do you put the roses? On the windowsill or on the bed? The placement of the roses indictate how often you'd like to see your boyfriend/girlfriend. Placing the roses on the bed means you need lots of reassurance in the relationship, and you'd want to see your loved one every day, if possible. Placing the roses by the window show that you don't expect or need to see your loved one that often; seeing them just once in a while is OK. 5. Do you find your love asleep or awake? Finding your boyfriend/ girlfriend asleep: You accept your loved one the way they are. Finding them awake: You expect him/her to change for you. 6. Which road do you choose to go home? The short and long roads now represent how long you stay in love. If you chose the short one, you fall out of love easily. If you chose the long one, you tend to stay in love for a long time.

Oh my, can I actually be 33?

Well this is me in my thirty-somethings. Yikes. Well...I actually feel younger than I did at the same time last year but I guess being reasonably happy can do that for you sometimes. Last night I was thinking about where I was a year ago today and it amazes me the lengths I have come in such a short period of time. And how different EVERYTHING is. I could never even have imagined where I'd be to this day. But I'm glad, and things are finally coming together. Makes me want to post something inspirational. Sometimes we just need to be reminded! A well-known speaker started off his seminar by holding up a $20.00 bill. In the room of 200, he asked, "Who would like this $20 bill?" Hands started going up. He said, "I am going to give this $20 to one of you but first, let me do this. He proceeded to crumple up the $20 dollar bill. He then asked, "Who still wants it?" Still the hands were up in the air.Well, he replied, "What if I do this?" And he dropped it on the ground and started to grind it into the floor with his shoe. He picked it up, now crumpled and dirty. "Now, who still wants it?" Still the hands went into the air. My friends, we have all learned a very valuable lesson. No matter what I did to the money, you still wanted it because it did not decrease in value. It was still worth $20. Many times in our life we are dropped, crumpled and ground into the dirt by the decisions we make and the circumstances that come our way. We feel as though we are worthless. But no matter what has happened or will happen, you will never lose your value. Dirty or clean, crumpled or finely creased, you are still priceless to those who DO LOVE you.

The worth of our lives comes not in what we do or whom we know, but by WHO WE ARE. You are special-Don't EVER forget it." If you do not pass this on, you may never know the lives it touches, the hurting hearts it speaks to, or the hope that it can bring. Count your blessings, not your problems, and remember: amateurs built the ark ... professionals built the Titanic.

And my best advice is GROW A SENSE OF HUMOR PEOPLE!!!!!

Have a great day everyone!

Wendelinas' Canada Day Galleria

This was my first Canada Day Celebration in AGES!!

Although I was sick and miserable with an earache, I decided to rough it and show some patriotism for our awesome country!

My man and I took the train downtown, met up with Tay and went for drinks at a little pub on 109 street. There we met up with a very jolly Irish chap named Mike. Mike had a very thick Irish accent and seemed to like speaking in lymerick, and spoke very highly of his wooden-legged wife named "Peg".

Then we watched the fireworks from the High Level Bridge. Very nice but altogether not very long.

Afterwards, we thought it a fine idea to go down to Whyte Ave.

So we walked.

To Whyte Ave.

Seemed smart in the beginning.

But that was already after I took a couple sudafed and Tylenol and had a few rum & 7's.

Taylor had stupid leather sandals so halfway up Connors Hill I had to trade her shoes so her feet wouldn't hurt. It took FOREVER. Partway up the hill Taylor ran into some very sociable Edmontonians who even gave her a few shots of rum, but Craig and I missed out because we were racing to the top of the stairs. (I wish I had my camera out then, because Craig won, and even did the "Rocky" at the top, even yelling "AAAADDDRIAAAAAAN!")

So anyways, we decided to go to the Atlantic Trap and Gill, which is of course...A Newfie Bar.

(I've never been there, but I have on occasion waited to get in but the line was always too long so I never actually went in) I'm standing in line when who do I see but my old friend and coworker FRANCIS! And then we see Craigs friends at the back of the line. Woo hoo!

It was really fun but last call came way too early. We left shortly after 2 and somehow to ruin the perfect day, we all lost Craig. I was devastated! We waited, and looked, and waited some more, but to no avail. I lost my baby! I ended up going home, wondering what happened, not knowing if he would ever even speak to me again :) but he did, and now we have this wonderful memory! (If you leave out the whole ending part!)

But I'm still paying for it. Going out whilst sick completely crashed my immune system and now I am suffering but hopefully the antibiotics will kick in soon so the fever and sweats go away. Ugh! Yesterday was the worst. It was as if the fiery hands of satan himself reached into my head and started squeezing all the leftover religion from my childhood, burning me up, sweat rolling off my forehead onto my pillow and a puddle down the back of my shirt. If I had the strength to get up I probably would have dialed an exorcist.

Anyways, that's about all, I finished reformatting the other day and now I'm going to be getting back to work. Hope y'all had a great long weekend!

My complaint about The flow

My computer generated complaint about Womens "monthlies..."

Let's start this letter with a little quiz: 1. How scornful can The flow be? 2.Where is The flow's integrity? 3. Essay: Compare and contrast The flow's reports to those of the worst kinds of arrogant spielers I've ever seen, focusing especially on who is more likely to contaminate or cut off our cities' water supply. Don't worry; I'll give you all the answers throughout the course of this letter as well as a wealth of other information about The flow. Let me begin by citing a range of examples from the public sphere. For starters, The flow either is or elects to be ignorant of scientific principles and methods. It even intentionally misuses scientific terminology to create an inconsiderate world of guilt and shame. And that, in my view, is our real problem.

My complaint about My kids

My computer generated complaint

about my kids...

This is so funny!!

I undeniably hope My kids give this letter five minutes of its precious cappuccino-sipping, cancer-stick-puffing time. Some background is in order: I am not concerned with rumors or hearsay about My kids. I am interested only in ascertained facts attested by published documents, and in these primarily as an illustration that one must consider the semiotics of charlatanism in order to fully understand My kids's litanies. Am I aware of how My kids will react when they read that last sentence? Yes. Do I care? No, because there's a time to keep silent and a time to speak. There's a time to love and a time to hate. There's a time for war and a time for peace. And, I claim, there's a time to fight scurrility and slander. Or, to put it less poetically, My kids claim to be fighting for equality. What they're really fighting for, however, is equality in degradation, by which I mean that My kids intend to create a new social class. Hotheaded hackers, fork-tongued pinheads, and vitriolic, sententious prima donnas will be given aristocratic status. The rest of us will be forced into serving as their myrmidons. As if you didn't know, if My kids think that they can make me get fired from my job, then it's barking up the wrong tree. My kids's claim that it is better that a hundred thousand people should perish than that it should be even slightly inconvenienced is not only an attack on the concept of objectivity, but an assault on the human mind. This probably does not affect your daily life, but it is a fact. It must be pointed out over and over again to My kids's intimates and, in a broader sense, to incoherent heresiarchs that My kids's favorite tactic is known as "deceiving with the truth". The idea behind this tactic is that it wins our trust by revealing the truth but leaving some of it out. This makes us less likely to shatter the adage that children should belong to the state. I am not going to go into too great a detail about the worst classes of self-satisfied, wild publishers of hate literature there are, but be assured that the concepts underlying My kids's obtrusive, pigheaded perceptions are like the Ptolemaic astronomy, which could not have been saved by positing more epicycles or eliminating some of the more glaring discrepancies. The fundamental idea -- that the heavens revolve around the Earth -- was wrong, just as My kids's idea that two wrongs make a right is wrong. The end.

Scott Pakin's automatic complaint-letter generator

This is the best site I have seen in a long time!!

Have a complaint about someone, having trouble putting your feelings into words? Try this!

It is hillarious!

http://www.pakin.org/complaint

My Work of Art

Cleverly named "Windy"

...this piece was inspired by the makers of Sudafed,

NyQuil and Amoxicillin, all of whom I had the pleasure

of meeting after I returned from the doctor yesterday...

Maybe a little too much pleasure??

Hope to see ya soon!

I have to reformat.

I am afraid...very afraid.

Hopefully I'll be back up early next week,

Goodbye my friends...wish me luck!

"Wheres ya from, and whose yur fadder?"

I have had to take up a new language...

Newfie 101

I have had nothing at all negative to say about my friendship with "East Coast" but to be perfectly honest I have had to brush up on my newfie slang... Ever sit in a room with a few of them and you have no idea of what they're all saying? I have. :)

Its taken me a few weeks but I think I've got it almost figured out.

The "th" sound usually sounds like "tt".

ie. thunder=tunder

*but sometimes sounds like "d"

ie. father=fadder or

It's lovely tell yer mudder

and

it seems the "H" sound is commonly omitted all together

ie. head='ead

Anything ending in "oy" sounds like "eye"

ie. boy=bye

"My" is pronounced "Me"

"The" is "Da"

A lot of words end with an "s" that really gramatically shouldn't.

For example:

Me's going to buddys

Sometimes the "l" sound doesn't come out

ie. alright=aroit

"How are you" is "Where ar ya at?

They say "Lord" ...lots

ie. Lord love a duck

Lord tunderin' Moses

Oh me Lord! Oh me nerves!

Any male is "buddy"

females are "missies"

ie. "missies and buddy was goin at it like nuttin"

"Or" sound sounds like "ar"

ie. Oh me back is sar!

"You've got me drove" is "You're driving me crazy!"

And most of the time they say just plain funny words that I'm sure I have never heard in all my life.

But it is entertaining when I can keep up...They can have a whole conversation in one sentence;

jeet? no jew? naw, tworly. Skeet den. aroit. Sko.

Translation=

Did you eat?

No. Did you?

No, it's too early.

Let's go eat then!

Alright!

Let's go!

You know me...I am going to have a field day with all the word plays and puns I can imagine. I'm enjoying it already!

And of course...

A newfie joke to lead us out.

A hunter walks up on 2 Newfies draggin their moose out of the woods by the hind legs. The hunter says "You know that it easier to drag him by the front legs cause your draggin with the fur instead of against it." About an hour late he finds the same guys dragging the moose by the front legs. "How do you find it now?" he asks. "Jus' great buddy but we keeps getting further away from me truck."

Excuses, Excuses!

5 Valid reasons to

not go to work!

1) I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at Shoppers Drug Mart.

2) Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Oilers, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Shaw, but thank you for calling.

3) I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet....

4) The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.

5) When I got up this morning, I took two Ex-lax in addition to my Ativan. I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it.

My mother taught me...

Men have two emotions: Hungry and Wanting Love. If you see him looking for love, make him a sandwich.

My mom taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE: "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside -- I just finished cleaning!"

My mother taught me RELIGION: "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL: "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

My mother taught me LOGIC: "Because I said so, that's why."

My mother taught me FORESIGHT: "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

My mother taught me IRONY: "Keep laughing and I'll *give* you something to cry out."

My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS: "Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"

My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM: "Will you *look* at the dirt on the back of your shirt!"

My mother taught me about STAMINA: "You'll sit there 'til all that Red River is finished."

My mother taught me about DISSAPOINTMENT: "Well you know, life just isn't fair".

My mother taught me about NICENESS: "Don't let niceness fool you. Even Hitler was nice to some people."

My mother taught me about WEATHER: "It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."

My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS: "If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you; would you listen then?"

My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY: "If I've told you once, I've told you a million times -- don't exaggerate!!!"

My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE: "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION: "Stop acting like your father!"

My mother taught me about ENVY: "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have a wonderful dinner like you do! We could feed a whole village with the food you leave on your plate"

My mother taught me about SAFETY in public places: "Don't leave your seat or you will get lost or abducted".

Yep, my mother taught me a lot. But one thing she could never fully prepare me for was men and dating. Oh ya, we had the "sex talks", watched 'The miracle of Life' on public TV- All that stuff. But I don't think I will ever understand a man, and the whole idea of dating for me right now is like thinking of jumping off a huge cliff into a big hole.

I've been single for a while. I even considered myself single the last few years I was married. I have met a varied assortment of men and boys yet not one of the budding friendships went anywhere, and one guy even turned out to be a freaky deak borderline stalker. We went out to a Casino and he drank his face off and kept ordering me drinks at the same pace. It was like "Am I cute enough yet? Or do you need more to drink?...here have another."

He didn't even offer me anything to eat, which he had mentioned but I think he got full on the drinks and it slipped his "mind". Or he thought "Hey, five beers has just as many calories as a burger -- forget dinner!" In any case, he almost got us thrown out because he was so loud and obnoxious.

Actual Conversation:

R...By the way...theres a dog food plant out in (the middle of nowhere) that is hiring, you should get a job there.

W...A DOG FOOD PLANT?? Where??

R...It's out in (the middle of nowhere), Right by my place.

W...Well that's a little far from downtown, darn, I'd have no way to get there.

R...Ya, But It's assembly line and it's good money. You should apply

W...Like how much good money

R...Starting is like $13 to $15 per hour but you can move up quick

W...Well, ya know, darn, I'd just have no way to get there, no vehicle...It's wayyy to far

R...I could drive you. *note* lives 40 min out of Edm

W...you would drive that far, everyday to pick me up and drive me to the dog food plant

R...Well YOU COULD COME AND STAY WITH ME!!

OK. THIS IS WHERE IT ALL ENDS.

WHERE DO I BEGIN??

The dog food plant?!!

CAW!! For people who don't know me, this is my my utterly disqusted call phrase. In other words, EW!

Did he actually think that after one outing, and it wasn't even a real date, I just considered him a friend- OK a "night out" that hadn't even ended yet (but was headed there fast)...That I would pack up my children and move out to (the middle of nowhere) and go work at a dog food plant?

Is this a common dating teqnique? To lure in women with soft whisky slurred promises of good ol' fashioned well water and slopping through ripe meaty dog meal day in and day out? OMG. I could say so much about all of this but I have to end it there. I'm getting creeped out just thinking about it.

Sorry if I look interested...I'm not!

It hasn't all been terrible though.

I did meet someone whom I completely adored, and it didn't work out... but I still hold him in the highest regard. He is one of the funniest men I have ever met and we had the craziest funniest conversations ever.

Here are some of the best quotes from "P":

you're a ying to my yang thing is your vibe really too vibalacious for me? haha! can I triple dog dare myself not to? at least I think it was a Tootsie Roll... I suppose it could have been a brown crayon

I don't lead the choir... I'm more like one of the badass singers in the back... chewing gum

nobody's ever asked me for a refund...of course nobody's ever actually paid me either

Siskel gave mine a thumbs up, but that idiot Roeper said thumbs down. What does he know?

Aww... sounds adora-bubble.

"Eeep," is the exact sound I made at this. :)

You could also use that giant candy cane as a blunt force weapon.

let's go into THE belly of the beast (ie West frickin' Ed)!"

Yelling and kissing strangers is never my idea of a fun time. Except in Singapore. ;)

And Lastly on the topic of dating/relationships, etc, I actually recently went on a date and things went quite well. So far "East Coast" has been nothing but nice, charming and fun and funny at the same time. I call him that cus he's an east coast boy from Newfoundland, and honestly, I really like his accent. It's kinda soft and we talk alot, I can just sit there just to listen to his voice.

He's a total Oiler fan and even serenaded me with the tune of Hockey Night in Canada, you know...

"Na na na na na NAAAAAA

Na na na na na NA na....."

which I can most definately say has NEVER EVER happened to me before. :)

I think it's a pretty good start so far but it's kinda early to say anything. As far as boyfriend material, I can't say yet but hopefully we can just get to know each other. I have too many other things to worry about right now. Anyways that's all I'm going to say for now.

My point is...I do have hope.

I now know that not all guys are lyin', crim'nal, psycho borderline stalker creeps.

But I'll always remember there are ones like them out there. No one knows better than me.

LAST SMILE

OF

THE DAY

NOTE TO TECH SUPPORT

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0 , Hunting and Fishing 7.5 , and Racing 3.6.

I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0.

Please help!

Thanks,

TroubledUser.....

_____________________________________

REPLY:

Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about.

Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony/Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation. The best course of action is to enter the command C:APOLOGIZE! Because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2.

However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0!

WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3 . This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system!

Best of luck,

Tech Support

Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as airplane mechanics in Atlanta. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.Bud said, "Man, I wish we had something to drink!"Jim says, "Me too. You know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You want to try it?"So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and get completely smashed.The next morning, Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact, he feels GREAT! No hangover! NO bad side effects, nothing!Then the phone rings... it's Jim.Jim says, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?"Bud says, "I feel great. How about you?"Jim says, "I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?"Bud says, "No, that jet fuel is great stuff - no hangover - nothing.""We ought to do this more often.""Yeah, well, there's just one thing....""What's that?""Have you farted yet?""No.....""Well, DON'T - 'cause I'm in Phoenix!!!"

Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without success. Finally, they came up with a foolproof plan. They got a very authentic cow moose costume and learned the mating call of a cow moose.

The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull. They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, put on their costume and began to give the moose love call.

Before long, their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing. When the bull was close enough, the guy in front said, "OK, let’s get out and get him."

After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted, "The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do!?"

The guy in the front says, "Well, I'm going to start nibbling grass, but if I were you, I'd brace myself!"

HAVE A GOOD DAY!!

Girly-Man Coach needs tissue!

Laviolette cries tears of oil after the Oilers shut out the Canes last Saturday night!

Graphigirl Digital Design

Nasty pain south of the border?

NEW PRODUCT DEVELOPED FOR GAME 7 OF THE OILERS VS CAROLINA STANLEY CUP SERIES, 2006

Graphigirl Digital Design

I believe! I believe!

AWESOME OILERS SONG!!

This is the BEST song... I don't know how to post music on this blog but try the link!!

http://www.bigearl963.com/

(Just scroll down on the main page, there's a link to click-

"Big Earls Elvira Oilers' song" )

I know I'll have this song cranked tomorrow :)

mmm pecca mmm pecca mmm pecca pronger...

Funny email

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

A moms worst nightmare!

Oh, the joys of being

a mother!

I spent like 6 hours at the hospital with my son last night...

After watching the AWESOME Oilers win in OT, I thought "what a great night"- Thought I'd even go to bed early and have a good sleep for once.

But no. The sleep deprivation Gods are out to get me.

Tyler decided to "do the Superman" off of Shays bed and ended up splitting open his head down to the bone on a stereo speaker.

I heard "that cry"...you know...when you know something is REALLY wrong. I raced down the hall to find Ty, face covered in blood, gaping gash on his forehead, screaming he was gonna die.

Of course, we made it to the hospital really quick, and he is fine, but OMG!!!! Almost 6 hours in the ER to get 8 or 9 stitches- THAT IS A JOKE!! The whole time we were there, he was only actually "seen" by anyone for a total of like 30 minutes and the whole stitching procedure only took like 15 minutes. I never complain on this blog cus I like to be positive and funny where possible, but I guess I have to vent. I was really scared. And what is this world coming to when a kid gashes his face open and has to wait until 3:00 in the morning on a school night to get a few stitches. Sigh.

Anyways, my point...give your kids a big hug today.

They deserve it, even if they mouth you off and drive you crazy. It could of been a lot worse last night, and when I think about it now, I'm not in the least bit upset that for the 2 hours leading up to the incident I was yelling at the boys to get to sleep and not jump and fool around. I'm just so thankful he's OK, and I've been hugging him every chance I get.

P.S. To the awesome stitcher-guy (seamster??) (sucher-man) who so effortlessly made Ty OK with the whole idea of being actually "sewn up", you rock.

But what is SOOOO wrong with putting in a few mouth stitches? Every good mother deserves some peace and quiet sometimes!

I'm a believer!

WHAT A VICTORY!!!

...One more tribute to another awesome hockey

game between the Oilers and Carolina!

I knew we could pull it off.

They pulled it off again!

GO OILERS!!

What a good game last night! How suspenseful was that! I have a feeling the boys are really going to pull through...I predict a huge comeback!

Speaking of the Oilers, I was watching the news last night about a dude that built an Oiler-mobile in spirit of the playoffs...and what a coinkydink- I saw that car last week and just happened to have my camera on hand.

There you go, a little piece of local history unfolding, maybe it even gave our beloved Oilers a bit of luck last night.

20 Ways To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity 1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down. 2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice. 3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that. 4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In." 5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso. 6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Smuggling Diamonds" 7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy." 8. Don't use any punctuation 9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk. 10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face. 11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go." 12. Sing Along At The Opera. 13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme 14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play tropical Sounds All Day. 15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're Not In The Mood. 16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom. 17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won!, I Won!" 18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!" 19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go." 20. And The Final WayTo Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity....... Pass this on to someone else Its Called therapy :)

MY BABY BOY IS 6!!!

Decorating the cake

Happy Birthday to Shay-ay! Forever Spiderman! Trying out the crazy string web slinger!

Great T-shirt

Chinese, anyone??

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the "Chicken Surprise". The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly with two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down. "Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband. He has not, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down. Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening and demands an explanation. "Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?" The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise." The Waiter replies.............. " Ah... So solly .............. I bring you the Peeking Duck".

Why I read the Sunday Paper It has been a beautiful weekend. The kids have been gone for the weekend since Friday night and I have been FREE! It's been a long time! Friday night, my friend and I went to the Wild West but it ended up really boring. So we went back to my place and veged out on my balcony. What a beautiful night! Yesterday, I cleaned most of the day and had frequent snoozes and catnaps throughout the night. Today has been just coffee and the crossword so far, I sat out on my balcony again this morning and read the paper in the morning sun. I intend to do next to nothing until the kids come home at 7. Life is wonderful...for 4 more hours. Funny excerpt from todays Edmonton Sun: The headline reads

"Waaaaa! Now that they're tending off to baby, don't you miss Brangelina? Starved for celebrity stuff? Here's 10 stories that could save us from a scandal- free summer..."

By Jim Slotek

Sun media

1. Unable to get attention any longer goading the Catholic Church, Madonna will drop the crucifiction act and pretend to be Muhammed on stage. She gets attention.
2. Paul McCartney will get that notice of divorce proceedings, and it will be, "gentlemen, start your court transcripts." On his website, Paul will write, "You remember when I wrote 'not an ounce of truth' to the rumore Heather was after my money? Well, I was right. It was more like ten stone."
3. Charlie Sheens' divorce trial will involve allegations of live porno, dingos, llamas, rubber suits, Kraft Miracle Whip and the entire cast of the O.C. Oh wait, it already does. Next...
4. Paris Hilton will release that reggae/hip-hop album that's been announced. The east coast and west coast posses and the Country of Jamaica all vow retaliation. Warned that "somebody's gonna pop a cap in your ass", she replies, "that's hot!"
5. The Dixie Chicks seek assylum in Canada but are informed a Conservative Government was recently elected. They get turned away from Mexico for fear of scotching the illegal-worker talks. Tony Blair shuts them out from direct orders from Dubya. Finally, they are put on a boat and travel from country to country, with hilarious results on the new Fox reality TV series, Look Away, Dixieland! 8pm Wednesdays.
6. During a party hard weekend, the Olsen Twins marry B.J. and Tyler, the two hippie guys from the Amazing Race. A case of chronic munchies sees the girls gain a much-needed 50 pounds over the summer.
7. Paula Abdul is arrested for stalking Elliot Yamin after increasingly disturbing voice mail messages are played on ABC's 20/20. Randy describes the recordings as " a little pitchy, dawg, I'm just keepin' it real."
8. While in Toronto this week for her star on Canada's Walk of Fame, Pamela Anderson falls for Loverboy's Mike Reno and they're married in swim attire on the beach. The stolen video of the honeymoon turns up at Blockbuster on Canada Day weekend. And remember, No late charges!
9. Tom Cruise, Katie and Suri...well, really, I can't think of anything Cruise could do to get our attention anymore. He could "come out", I suppose. But, nah.
10. Phil Spector shoots another waitress and says, "Put it on my tab."

Well, I hope you all have a good day, I'm off to nap...or something. :)

On getting Old

A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. They decide to go to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember. Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. His wife asks, "Where are you going?" "To the kitchen" he replies. "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" "Sure." "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks. "No, I can remember it." "Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too.You'd better write it down because you know you'll forget it." He says, "I can remember that! You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." "I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, so you'd better write it down!" she retorts. Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Leave me alone! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!" Then he grumbles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and says -"Where's my toast?

"The Fence"

There was a little boy with a bad temper. His father gave him a bag of nails and told him that every time he lost his temper, to hammer a nail in the back fence. The first day the boy had driven 37 nails into the fence. Then it gradually dwindled down. He discovered it was easier to hold his temper than to drive those nails into the fence.Finally the day came when the boy didn't lose his temper at all. He told his father about it and the father suggested that the boy now pull out one nail for each day that he was able to hold his temper. The days passed and the young boy was finally able to tell his father that all the nails were gone. The father took his son by the hand and led him to the fence. He said, "You have done well, my son, but look at the holes in the fence. The fence will never be the same. When you say things in anger, they leave a scar just like this one. You can put a knife in a man and draw it out. It won't matter how many times you say I'm sorry, the wound is still there. A verbal wound is as bad as a physical one.

Kinda Frightening in a way

Amazing Resemblance

Math trick Here is a math trick so unbelievable that it will stump you. 1.GRAB A CALCULATOR. (YOU WON'T BE ABLE TO DO THIS ONE IN YOUR HEAD) 2.KEY IN THE FIRST THREE DIGITS OF YOUR PHONE NUMBER (NOT THE AREA CODE) 3.MULTIPLY BY 80 4.ADD 1 5.MULTIPLY BY 250 6.ADD THE LAST 4 DIGITS OF YOUR PHONE NUMBER 7.ADD THE LAST 4 DIGITS OF YOUR PHONE NUMBER AGAIN. 8.SUBTRACT 250 9.DIVIDE NUMBER BY 2 DO YOU RECOGNIZE THE ANSWER?

It's Official!

Mrs. Pie has left the building!! On May 31, I finally did it...I even felt a little shimmer of a tear of JOY...I changed my name back, yes, it's true, now I am officially Mizz Jackson once again! It's kinda wierd, when I was younger I couldn't wait to get married and change my name and now I couldn't change it back fast enough. And I'm happy with it now. And I was just reminded of a funny/strange Miss Jackson story. When I was younger like 20 ish or so I used to get phone calls from people wanting to speak with Wendy Jackson, only apparently, there was someone else in the city with the same name and often had to tell people they had the wrong person. I guess I was a little curious of who she was. On the day I went to get fitted for my wedding dress, the shop had called me to confirm my appointment as it seemed I was double booked. They confirmed a time, and when I showed up the woman was all kinda excited. She told me that they had thought I was double booked until another Wendy Jackson had shown up and they figured out we both booked our fittings for the same day and same time!! Ooh! Coinkydink or what! She was already in the fitting room when I got there and we kept missing seeing each other face to face. But finally I went up and said hello, and she was really pleasant. My mom was there that day too, she wanted to take a picture of us together but I said no. It would have made a great visual for this story, but at least I have the memory! :)

More Funny Pics

Redneck BBQ

OH MY!!! Now that's GOTTA HURT.