Before and after you fall in love!

BEFORE - You take my breath away AFTER - I feel like I'm suffocating BEFORE - Twice a night AFTER - Twice a month BEFORE - She says she loves the way I take control of a situation AFTER - She called me a controlling, manipulative egomaniac BEFORE - Saturday Night Fever AFTER - Monday Night Football BEFORE - Don't stop AFTER - Don't start BEFORE - Is that all you're having? AFTER - Maybe you should have just a salad, honey BEFORE - It's like I'm living in a dream AFTER - It's like he lives in a dorm BEFORE - $60/doz. AFTER - $1.50/stem BEFORE - Turbocharged AFTER - Jumpstart BEFORE - We agree on everything AFTER - Doesn't she have a mind of her own? BEFORE - Victoria's Secret AFTER - Fruit-of-the-Loom BEFORE - Charming and Noble AFTER - Chernobyl BEFORE - Feathers and handcuffs AFTER - Ball and chain BEFORE - Idol AFTER - Idle BEFORE - I love a woman with curves AFTER - I never said you were fat BEFORE - He's completely lost without me AFTER - Why won't he ever ask for directions? BEFORE - Time stood still AFTER - This relationship is going nowhere BEFORE - Croissant and cappuccino AFTER - Bagel and instant BEFORE - You look so seductive in black AFTER - Your clothes are so depressing BEFORE - Oysters AFTER - Fishsticks BEFORE - I can hardly believe we found each other AFTER - I can't believe I ended up with someone like you BEFORE - Passion AFTER - Ration BEFORE - Once upon a time AFTER - The end

THAT CHICKEN AGAIN

Why it crossed the road:

Jessica Simpson: Why would he be one a road, I thought chickens lived in the ocean? Homer Simpson: There was free beer on the other side of the road. Homer Simpson 2: Because they're stupid that's why! Why does anybody do anything? Grandpa: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken had crossed the road, and that was good enough for us. Snoop Dogg: This (censored) fool of a chicken didn't (censored) know what the (censored) he was doin crossin a (censored) alley in (censored) Harlem at 1:00 in the (censored) mornin'. Charles Darwin: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads. (former) Iraq Information Minister: There is no such chicken trying to cross the road, and there never has been any such chicken. Hippocrates: Because of an excess of light pink gooey stuff in its pancreas. Johnny Cochran: Because the road was black and the chicken was white. We must acquit. Bill Clinton: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken, please? Chuck Norris: Because I threw it. Jack Bauer: Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out. Joseph Stalin: I don't care. Catch it. I need its eggs to make my omelette. O.J. Simpson: It didn't. I was playing golf with it at the time. Fox Mulder: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it? Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference. Buddha: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature. Jack Nicholson: You WANT that chicken on the road. You NEED that chicken on the road. You're just too much of a chicken to be on that road YOURSELF! Bill Gates: It's already on both sides of the road. And it just bought the road. The Godfather: I didn't want its mother to see it like that. Mel Gibson: Why do you think the chicken crossed the road? Because its a (censored) Jew. Jews think they can just (censored) cross the street whenever they want. Jewish chickens are responsible for all the wars in the world...are you a Jew?? Colonel Sanders: I missed one?

Massive Internal Hemorraging!

From: http://postsecret.blogspot.com/

This may be my final post for a while. I've been having really bad computer issues, I almost gave up, and I have resolved the issue enough to get online, but I can't run any of my programs. I'm going on about 5% free disc space right now and everything is so unstable...it really sucks! And I can't do any work which is the worst part. The last few days have felt kinda lonely and empty, my hands feel restless, it's a strange feeling to actually miss something that is cold and lifeless. Maybe that's telling me I'm way too attached and I need to take a break. I don't know... I haven't had a very good week. I failed the bus road test on Tuesday...the whole thing was a bad experience and has left me with some trust issues. The thing is, I didn't really feel like I was ready for the test and I told my instructor that at least 3 times. I had 4 days of road training and I didn't have a problem with the driving part it was putting the procedures together with the driving and practicing doing it all together that I didn't get the chance to do. And I didn't feel confident, I even told my instructor what I thought my weak points were, and he ppfftt'ed me and said I was ready. Well, those things were the things I did wrong when it came down to it. There were things on the test that were never even brought to my attention, and the government test guy, excuse my vowel language, was an A-HOLE!! ha ha. I just made that up! Anyways, he wasn't even supposed to talk to me during the test, and at one point he actually made me pull over and told me he's been doing this testing for 16 years and he couldn't believe I went to the test not knowing the proper procedures. And before we left, he had said that he would be testing me on a railway crossing, he didn't know which kind, controlled /uncontrolled country etc, I had to do the proper procedure for the one we went to. So all fine, it ended up being an uncontrolled. I put the bus in neutral, put on the parking brake, shut down the noise, opened the window and the door, listened and looked, told him it was safe to proceed and I was going to do so, I did everything right! And he failed me because I should have told him that had there been an obstructed view of the tracks, that I should have told him the procedure for that, which means taking out the keys and getting off the bus, blah blah blah. SO THAT IS CRAP!! I did the proper procedure for the tracks he brought me to, which was his original instruction. And to top it off, he even wrote on the test at the end that I DIDN'T OPEN THE DOOR OF THE BUS AT THE TRAINTRACKS WHICH IS ALSO BULLCRAP!!!! So now I am out $65 for the test that I wasn't even ready for and for the first time in a long time I have failed. And I think he even got pleasure out of telling me at the end, while pointing out the huge x on the results section of the test paper with his shiny pen, "YOU FAILED!!!"! And I am angry that I was put out there for the test when I told him I didn't feel confident and told him I needed extra time. I didn't ever take the position lightly, I would be responsible for many little tiny lives. It really bothers me that people don't listen to me!! I know myself. I know my limitations and I know my needs. And I'm not trying to lay blame, but I'm saying for the record that the results were indicitive of the training. I did my best and everyone is telling me to jump back in and take it again but I'm hestitant to work for a place that would try to put me out on the road test when I had less than 10 hours of training and never even picked up or used the radio. I think that is a safety issue in itself. So, I am just taking some time to think about it. I don't know what I should do. I might try going to another bus company. We'll see. What I really want to do is work from home but it's just not possible unless I get a new computer I can rely on. Life isn't fair sometimes.

Well, I'm not going to end this off on a sour note...

Here's a joke !!

An Italian Gentleman

A virile, middle aged Italian gentleman named Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman.

Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless. After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?"

She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."

Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally ends and, again, Guido smiles and asks, "You finish?"Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him and softly says, "No."

Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reaches for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they end together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets. Exhausted, Guido falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and asked again, "You finish?"

Barely able to speak, the beautiful blond whispers in his ear, "No, I Norwegian."

Ahhh!

I'm taking my class 2 road test tomorrow at 9:30 am!!!!

(Wish me luck....please!!! I'm a little nervous! Not with my driving skills, but with all the procedures!)

Gordon, my instructor, says I'm ready - so I'm sure I am, but being slightly perfectionist, I mess up when I get nervous or do something wrong...that's what worries me...

but check back tomorrow for the results, I'll let y'all know how it goes!

Words of Wisdom...and an Angel!

Tomorrow is not a promise...

It is a chance!

This morning I was reading Chars blog, and lately she has been sharing stories about angel encounters. So I thought I'd share one of mine!

A long time ago when I was about 19 years old, I was working alone as a cashier at a Petro Canada gas station. It was a Friday night and the customers were streaming in so steadily that I didn't even have time to sit down and take a coffee break. I was grumbling and tired, everytime I tried to grab a coffee or have a smoke break I was instantly interrupted and couldn't wait for my shift to end, or the customers to stop, whichever came first.

Finally, a bit of rest came. I walked out the door into the darkness and saw one of the employees from the video store that adjoining our building and he was walking my way, grim look on his face. I told him if he wanted anything he would have to wait until I was done my smoke. He looked at me kinda funny and said "You are SOOO lucky!"

"What do you mean?" I asked.

This was his response:

"You were just THIS close to having a gun shoved in your face!"

He explained that a few minutes earlier, when the store was still spewing customers, he had just been told to take his break, so he came over to hang out with me.

As he left the building, he saw 2 old friends that he hadn't seen in a long time hanging out around the corner outside of the station, and they had a gun. They told my friend that they were waiting outside the store because they were planning on robbing me, but there were so many people coming in and out they were still waiting for their chance. I guess they even said how they would shove the gun in my face and scare me. Well my friend/neighbor told them right away, "NO! Not Wendy, I know her! Don't do this to her", and somehow he managed to talk them into leaving empty handed. But these 2 guys had been waiting for hours, and were split seconds away from carrying out their plan.

So my friend Chris was my angel that day, he came outside at exactly the moment they were on their way in to rob me, or possibly worse...I get goosebumps to this day. I often wonder...what would have happened if he hadn't have been at the right place at the right time!

Cool Pic!

This wicked picture was taken in the desert from overhead. If you look closely at the picture, the camels are actually white and what you are looking at are actually their shadows.

It feels like winter!

What a cruel way to be woken up...freezing rain and a brisk wind. Not a good combination when your kids ride bikes to school. The inevitability of the box coming out is killing me! I mean the box that is full of jackets, snowpants, boots, mittens, hats, scarves, gloves, in which there is 50 of everything and nothing that matches even remotely. When this box comes out of my closet I can kiss my floors goodbye. Nice to know ya, see you in the spring! Well actually my vacuum is broken right now so maybe this will work out in some weird kind of way. There was snow forecasted for today and I am praying it won't, because I'm supposed to do another round of bus driver training at 9am tomorrow. Snow is the LAST thing I need! For many reasons. Actually, my driver training is going very well. I've only had 2 days on the road so far, but I'm pretty comfortable. And I only have to do the test in the big bus, then I'll have a small one to drive on a regular basis. My instructor wants me to take the road test on Monday, I said we'll see how it goes tomorrow. I still need to practice pulling close enough to the curb, and I tell ya, pulling 6-8 inches from the curb in a big bus exactly parallel in the front and back is not that easy. I think I made like 3 out of 10 attempts...but I can do it, I just need more practice. Other than that not much else is new. The kids are back into their routine, and have actually been TIRED at bedtime...this is good! Some sanity has returned to our home. I am also in a great place in my personal life and feel very lucky to have a great relationship! The first time I made him dinner, I got burnt making french fries in oil, one of the fries exploded right on my wrist as I dropped it in the cooker...to this day I still have this scar in the shape of a heart! Is this a sign??

The wheels of the bus go round and round...

Yesterday I did my first driving lesson on the school bus! Gordon, my instructor picked me up at my house. He had me do an inspection and then told me to hop in the drivers' seat and head back to the bus yard. Now, I've never driven a bus before and I was all, like "HUH!!". I figured I would do some practicing in an empty ol lot or something first and I was quite unprepared for this request. However, without much hestiation I jumped into the drivers seat and snapped into my seatbelt. I did really well, I only hit one or two curbs trying to navigate my turning radius and there were no little children that were in immediate danger at any time. Yay me! It was kinda strange at first being eye to eye with truckers on the Yellowhead, but that was kinda neat at the same time, It's a whole different perspective up there. So Gordon only gasped at my driving twice, and I spent about 4 hours getting used to the bus, I'm doing Country and Railroad crossings training today and I'll probably practice a little more on the backing up. Anyway, I'm feelin pretty good about taking the test in a few days, so I'll update more later.

I am so knowlegable!

Today I went and wrote the written *knowledge exam* for my class 2 license...

Yay me, I passed!!

That means as soon as I pass the road test I will be a School Bus Driver.

Wow.

Eye Candy

• Digital photo restorations
• Signs
• Corporate Identity
• Office Forms
• Web graphics
• Web design
• Illustrations &
• Animations

Links to the websites I have designed:

http://www.kithncousin.com

http://www.keyholeministry.com

Motherly Woes

The First Day of School I walked my daughter to her class and being that I dropped the boys off first, by the time we got there Breannas classmates were almost all there, only 2 empty desks remained.

As I walked in I noticed the boy to the left.

He claimed Breanna as his woman last June and made no secret to hide it around me. The kid must wear holes in his retinas staring her down whenever she's around, and I wondered if it would perchance happen that he'd be around again this year.

Well Breanna walked in the door and the kids face went like, blank. his eyes locked on Breanna who was scanning the room for her desk. She was pretending not to notice him, acting completely oblivious to everything and everyone around her, red face flushed.

So then I notice that of the 2 empty desks in the room, Breanna is right next to the boy. The teacher was already starting to talk to the class. I kept telling Breanna to come and sit down but she kept saying "HUH!??" "Hurry up!" I told her, "The teacher is already starting!" Then she walked in a circle, saying she didn't know where her desk was. I pointed it out, and she looked... trying so hard not to even look at the boy but I could tell her heart was pounding, SHE KNEW!! I've never seen her get flustered like that.

Well, she went and sat down, I lingered at the door for a minute, because I wanted to see her face when their eyes finally would meet...but she was cool as a cucumber, hands folded neatly in front of her, eyes fixated on the teacher. "Darn," I thought and turned and walked out the door. But as soon as I closed the door behind me, I quickly turned and snapped a picture through the window just hoping for a nice candid shot of the class.

Well, this is the result:

Get this!

By the time I had closed the door behind me, Breanna is already turned towards him, finger twirling her hair. He's leaned right over and there are (count them) 6 other kids staring at them who are STARING AT EACH OTHER!!

I stood and watched them for another minute and then had to walk away, shaking my head. Later on that night, I asked her "So does *J* still think you're his woman?" She says "Weeeell, YA! Actually he does!". I smiled and teased, "Just remember, NO KISSING". "Ewww", she said and squinched up her nose. "You are a good girl", I said! Then I asked "So what would you do if *J* kissed you?"

She said "I would do NOTHING!"

I asked "You would do nothing? And just let him kiss you?"

And she just smiled all slyly. She said she was joking but after seeing the picture I'm really quite sure that I'm not convinced.

Extraordinarily bad luck

Two nights ago I was watching a show about this guy who filmed bears and spent most of his life and time out in the wild getting to know all about them, and eventually this guy was eaten by a huge, mean bear that he had seen around and tried to "befriend"... There were a few people there and I offhandedly remarked that would be the "Crocodile Hunter" one day... Well this morning as I read the internet news I found that is exactly what happened. Steve Irwin was killed by a deadly stingray that pierced his ribcage and through his heart. "While excruciatingly painful, stings are rarely fatal, Collin said. Collin said he suspected Irwin died because the barb pierced under his ribcage and directly into his heart. "It was extraordinarily bad luck. It's not easy to get spined by a stingray and to be killed by one is very rare," Collin said." I guess you just can't tame mother nature. Or think you can control it. Or however you wanna put it...These guys went up against the odds and some of the deadliest creatures that roam this earth. Out of love...or passion...or the adrenaline rush when you do something you're scared to do...whatever the reason they did it and they ended up dying doing it. I started to ask myself why people would do these kinds of things and then I thought about me! I've done crazy dangerous things. Skydiving was one of them, probably 24 hours on a mountain alone was another. Add in hitchhiking when I was younger and really really naive, running away with my friend Jenn and staying in the Dover Hotel (which was like a biker bar when we were like 14 or 15), Doing 14 Whisky shooters in a row and drinking straight from the 60 oz bottle the second time I got drunk. I think I did clinically die the next day, but I had to go to work.. (I guess some higher up thought that my position as Salad Bar Girl couldn't go unstationed because here I am today!) I even think my ex marriage could also go into this catagory of crazy stupid dangerous things. And the more I think about it I could go on for days. Is this any different from what the Crocodile Hunter did...Other than the fact that I have never like, baited myself for attraction and went into a murky croc swamp to wrestle and subdue a 14 foot monster, or walked barefoot around poisonous snakes, or jumped into a pool of stingrays. I've pushed my own limits, and though I had a bad spell of it for a while, I have refused to, and have not succumbed to fear. I just HOPE this doesn't make me a target, like those other guys. RIP Crocodile Hunter!!

Why I love Taylor

I recently posted Ode to T-dot...well this is a story I took from her blog cus I wanted to share my laugh with everyone...Taylor is very blunt and doesn't take crap from ANYONE! "Well... I'm kinda rethinking my move to a small town. Today I was out for an appointment, and there was a ... dissheveled looking man who I would guess to be in his 50's. Actually he kinda reminded me of Hulk Hogan, platinum hair and all... except this guys hair was longer I think, and he wasn't buff and he was dirty. Anyhow... The guy was telling the lady at the desk that he couldn't stay for his appointment because he had another appointment that he had to go to... but could his cousin ( a woman who looked like she crawled out of a dumpster) stay for the appointment instead of him. The lady at the desk said no. So Hulk went outside, then in he came again... he was upset because they just didn't understand and could he speak to a manager. Well the manager comes out and is listening to the man ( and at this point I am totally captured by this odd display) and the manager stops the man and says... "Wait, now, is this your cousin or your wife?" and the man replies, very exasperated......... BOTH!!!!!!She's my cousin and my wife. Well... I couldn't take it... I burst out laughing... which was very rude, but I just couldn't help it. Now I am laughing HARD, like stomach hurt kinda laugh. And this man looks at me, looks over to his cousin-wife and says "Babies having babies". Well that got me going even harder, and now Kayden (my son) is starting to laugh too. I am now crossing my legs for fear of wetting my pants, clutching my stomach and crying and not even making noise I am laughing so hard... Somehow I manage to get out the words... (this was very brazen-even for me) "H-h-how d-do you circumcise a r-r-edneck?" Then a young man who was also sitting and waiting, says "Kick his cousin in the chin!" Well, now I lose it... I am struggling to breathe, I mean really gasping for air... and I'm not gonna lie... I think a little pee came out. So then the manager who is standing there with a professional expression on his face cracks a smile, and starts to giggle... yes, the manager who should stay professional was giggling. Well Hulk and Dumpster Lady stomp out, clearly offended. After they leave the manager comes over to me... which at this point I am sprawled back over the chair going "Oh God... No more.. it's hurts... no more!" And asks if I need a glass of water... which at that point was even funnier. I needed about 20 minutes to calm down before I could even speak. But it wasn't just me laughing... some of the girls in the back came out to see what the commotion was about, so the manager takes them back and tells them... and all I know is they went back there, then about 3 minutes later, I heard about 10 people erupt in laughter. God.. that was PRICELESS!!! It is now 2 hours later, and my stomach still hurts. This was the single most funniest thing I have ever witnessed in my entire life. And there I was with out a video camera... damn!"

Too funny Tay, wish I was there...you rock!

Me!? A Bus Driver??

Today I'm going to a job interview...

For none other than a... School Bus Driver.

Go figure. My neighbor has been trying to talk me into it for months, so I thought I'd give it a try. Can you see it? I mean, I have a flawless driving record, and I have driven just about everything else, but I never thought I'd drive a bus.

I'm sure I'll have LOTS of stories...kids say and do the most priceless things.

My boyfriend said if I get this job he can call me "Otto", and I told him if he did, well, lets just say it wouldn't be pretty.

One time, he said if he was a pirate, he would want me to be his Salty Sea Squaw...and I was a little offended, but he assured me it was in the most affectionate of context...but lets just say I would prefer salty sea squaw over Otto!

Anyhoo...Wish me luck, I'd imagine they want me to start next week when most schools start here...

Hopefully this won't be me...

But officer it was an emergency...They all

said they needed to pee, I HAD to find a

bathroom, fast!

I'll let you know how it goes! :)

Advice of the Day

OOOOH! A PACKAGE!- Updated!

I just got a call from a courier company saying they will be here with a package at 12:30!

I have no idea what it could be! No one has a birthday coming...It's got me drove! What could it be?

My imagination is running wild! So many possibilities in my head. Here are some of the best items I could possibly hope to be in that box!

1. Wonder Womans' golden lariat, the one that makes the ch ch ch ch ch ch sound. I wished for one once.
2. A cute sundress and matching flip flops.
3. Maybe a cat.
4. A brand new computer! Loaded. With Photoshop CS!!
5. A big gigantic cake...and then when I take off the lid, out! jumps my boyfriend...in flagrante delicto...ok I won't go there!
6. Sharks with fricken laser beams attached to their heads!

Hmm. This next 2 hours is going to be torture. I normally don't get packages, and usually if I do, it's from gran, and she tells me when to expect it, and calls to make sure I got it. So I'm pretty sure it's not from her...I'm going to go nuts.

Well if it's a *good* package, and I'm excited I'll post. But if it's, like, a severed horse head with threatening letter attached from the collection company that's been hounding me, (which it very well could be) I'll probably keep that to myself. Wish me luck!

IT'S BACKPACKS!!

Wow! Backpacks full of stuff for school... And I don't even know who they are from! What a nice surprise! Thank you phantom school supplier...whoever you are!

Sunday Morning Worship

The Culprit...he only looks all sweet and innocent here!

This morning I got up and made Shay oatmeal and waffles for breakfast, and poured myself a big mug of my infamous "turbo coffee". I only got to savor a few mouthfuls, and hadn't yet had a whole cigarette, when I got the grim news that Shay and Tyler, whilst fighting over the maple syrup, had dropped the bottle on the kitchen floor and made a huge mess. Upon further investigation, I discovered that not only was the KITCHEN floor covered in syrup, but that Shay had fled through the living room with the cracked bottle and made a trail of sugary mess all the way to the patio door and on the sofa. I said some things I probably have shouldn't. Then I felt kinda bad. I ended up down on my knees, scrubbing til my arms were shaky like jello all the while praying..."Oh God, let this trail of maple syrup come out unstained...so that my sons life shall be saved...Let not this scrubbing be in vain..." I think that still counts as prayer...does it?

THE BEST "One Time" EVER!

I have been told that THIS ONE is my very best story ever!!! This is completely true, another prime example of the wacky circumstances life throws at me.

BACKGROUND: When I was 19, 2 friends and I responded to the call of a newspaper ad seeking "Chambermaids" for the Voyageur Inn in Banff, AB. In about 2 weeks we arranged our affairs and we were off for our first huge adventure away from home. We had no idea what to expect but it didn't matter. PLAYA'S:

• Me
• Jan (friend)
• Pam (friend and Jans sister)
• Mick the Bartender
• Mick the Bellboy

It was our first payday from working at the hotel. Jan, Pam and I had made our move with only a few dollars each and had been broke since we got there, the past 2 weeks had been a little tough and we vowed that with our first paycheck that we would go get SMASHED!! So we decided to go bar hopping, even though Jan and I had to work at 5:30 am the next day.

We started at the Hotel because Pam had a crush on the bartender Mick and we thought maybe we could cajole him into having a few drinks with us. The previous evening we had gone to his condo for dinner and it was there that Pam had confessed her affection for the cute (& older...28 or 29 which is "older" when you're 19!) drink slinger and we thought it was great since she never really had a boyfriend and had never REALLY been kissed! Anyway, he agreed to meet up with us after his shift was over. We also invited the crazy alcoholic bellboy, also named Mick, just because he was a lot of fun. And really cute. So off we went.

We had a BLAST! I don't even remember most of the night, just that at that time, Long Island Ice Tea was my main drink and I even threw in, really, too many $2 paralyzers to the mix. We went to quite a few bars and I don't remember when 'bartender Mick' actually entered the picture, and 'bellboy Mick' had apparently passed out drunk in the lobby of the hotel a few hours ago, but somewhere around closing time Jan and I realized we had to be at work in a few hours and wanted to stagger back to our pad.

Pam and Mick were really hitting it off, and seemed to be getting pretty snuggly and touchy. When Jan and I told her we wanted to get going, she looked at us with this look I can't explain but will never forget, and she said she and Mick were going to stay out for a while.

Now, the day we arrived at the Hotel, we were taken aside by our supervisor Nancy who had informed us that within weeks of our arrival, a female employee who worked at our hotel had been raped and murdered after hooking up with a stranger, and we were actually cautioned that Banff was the rape capital of Western Canada so be really careful when we were out.

Having this in mind, and realizing we really didn't know much about this guy, I told Pam "great, have fun, but I am going to wait up for you, and we have to work in the morning, so PLEASE don't be too late." Jan and I made the 5 mile stumble home and decided to listen to tunes and wait for Pam. We waited...and waited...and waited. Jan passed out cold, I sat there on my bed, frequently drifting into a half concious slumber, and getting more worried every time I looked at the clock. Jan and I had to be at work at 5:30. Finally at 4:30 ish I lost it. I had kinda drifted off and when I opened my eyes and looked at the time I FREAKED! I went and jumped on Jan. "Jan! It's 4:30 and Pams not home yet! Oh my God! What could have happened!" Jan was a mess. We were running around trying to get dressed to go looking for her but I think we were both STILL drunk, running in circles like headless chickens. I was so worried, thinking somewhere out there our friend was missing or even worse. I sat down on my bed to put on my shoes, our ground floor window slid open and suddenly a projectile whizzed awfully close to my head. I looked. A SHOE! Then another. Then Pam herself. I couldn't believe it. I was beside myself with worry and immediately started to give her CRAP for not coming home. "do you know how worried we were about you...I told you I was going to wait...what the hell happened...I waited up all night... WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU!!!!!" Then I stopped ranting for a second and just looked at her. Her really really long, really really curly, blonde hair was completely messed up and full of dirt and leaves. She had muddy tear streaks down her face, A cut on her eyebrow bone, her white sweater was ripped all down the front. For a minute, she just looked at me with this blank look on her face. Then she SAID EVER SO MATTER OF FACTLY... " I got hit by an elk"...then she started to cry! We all sat down and Pam told us of the events surrounding her brutal attack. She and bartender Mick had decided to go back to his condo which at the time was a fairly new development, and his new condo was built on a spot where Elk had their previous grazing grounds. And it was also Elk season, so every morning a huge herd of Elk traipsed down to his backyard and grazed and slept...whatever Elk do. Well she and Mick never *actually* made it to his condo. Being all drunk and smitten with each other, they decided home couldn't wait...nothing more romantic than being spontaneous and having a makeout session in the beauty of the outdoors!! So there they were, makin out all hot and heavy...When the sun broke to greet the day, they were ALSO greeted by a very hairy family of Elk. They were right on top of BIG PAPA ELKS little piece of property and HE WAS PISSED! The big papa elk charged them both, Pam first I think, his huge antler narrowly missing her eye and ripping her shirt right open. I guess she was thrown quite a distance. Mick wasn't so lucky, nursing broken ribs and being thrown even further than Pam. I don't remember ALL the details of the attack, but it was bad enough. And remember, she never really had a boyfriend and had never REALLY been kissed! Then Pam told us it got worse. Her purse, keys, cashed paycheque, and other stuff were still there in the bushes, and that WE needed to go get it! "Why didn't you grab it before you left", we asked. She said "because the big papa elk was lying right on top of it!". ACK!!! But we were detemined to get Pams purse back for her. Her whole check was in there, she came through the window because her keys were there too. This was not good! Jan and I had to be at work in like a half an hour now. We got dressed and made the 3 block trek to the crime scene.

There were elk EVERYWHERE. Big elks, medium elks, baby elks...There were at least 30 of them...we couldn't get closer than a half a block away, everytime we came near they would come closer too. We would back off and they would back off. We came closer and they would come closer. It was like a stand off. This drew some negative attention from big papa. We could see the little patch of tree and foliage where the purse supposedly was with a massive set of antlers protruding out, we were terrified to confront the big beast and had no idea how to retrieve the target.

We tried to scare them by running at them screaming and flailing our arms. That was fruitless. They just looked at us like "pffffttt. IIIIIIIIdiots!". We tried to circle around the back and find another way, but there WAS no other way. And papa hadn't budged. We found a shopping cart with one broken wheel and tried running down the street with it, pushing as fast as we could and trying to send it into the herd, sending them all fleeing in terror. But that didn't work either.

Time was ticking, we couldn't be late for work! Nancy was a tyrant and would fire anyone for anything at any time. We were about at our wits end when we heard this drunken howling echoing through the empty street. "What the heck is that??". Barely visible down the road we could see Bellboy Mick, staggering through the street, bouncing off the curbs, still in his bellboy uniform from the night before. (Remember he had passed out in our hotel lobby the night before?) He was singing really loud, reeked like booze, and seemed really happy to see us. We asked him if he had spent the whole night passed out on the lobby floor and he said yes. He also said he thought he was probably fired now, imagine that!

We told him of our dilemma and that we soon had to be at work, and he valiantly stepped up as our hero! Without any hesitation or fear, he ran straight through the herd to the bush, quickly found the purse and promptly returned it to us with a huge grin. I never saw Bellboy Mick again but I will NEVER forget that morning, his crumpled uniform or the grin he flashed when he handed me the purse. It was classic!

My employment at the hotel only lasted about 2 more weeks, but that was one of the best times of my life! So I hope you enjoyed my best "one time" ever!

The End!

People are really freaking me out today!

So today I had my first appointment with my lawyer. Yippeeeee! I made it in one piece...and one step closer to ending a bad chapter of my life. I was really hoping to get a nasty, bad ass, tough-as-nails kind of lawyer but he's quiet and nice, probably my age or close to. But he's gotten right down to business and really people, in the end it's all about RESULTS!

On the long trip back to pick up the peeps at my moms, I saw the freakiest thing I ever saw in my life.

I get on the bus and there's this guy sitting right up by the driver...and he's a mess. Picture this. About 55-60, DIRTY everywhere!!, smelled like pee pee and cheese, mass of curly matted messy greasy hair that was kinda flat on one side (like he was pressing the left side of his face and head up against a window) and thick hairs growing out of his face and ears... seemingly at random, yet nonetheless pretty grotesque. And he's sitting there with his head tilted back, eyes closed, and he's licking the tips of his dirty fingers. EEEEEWWWWWWWW! CAW!!!! Kinda like someone would do if they ate greasy chicken...but he was only licking the very tips of his dirty fingers, and at times seemed like he was ever so gently kissing them. I shudder at the thought.... He did this for the whole trip! It was utterly sickening! He probably doesn't even know where those fingers have been!! WHAT IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE!! I don't even think he was AWARE that he was on a bus. So then I get home and I'm surfin blogs, and I happenchance upon this dude in Denmark. And he's saying how his wife won't *be intimate* with him, and she's had him *locked up* and that he would be *locked up* for 6 or 7 more days, and he's still wearing the cb2000. Oh ya, and... that he has a mistress. So I am thinking "poor guy. What kind of a monster is he married to"? And what the HECK is a cb2000? I had no idea but it just sounded very abusive! And no wonder he had a mistress! I was concerned about the *locked up* part and since there was only a few posts on the site I thought I'd leave him a friendly comment. I was just about to publish when I thought. Hmmm. cb2000. What the HELL is a cb2000. Maybe I should check. I shouldn't have checked. But I'm glad in a way I did because I saved myself some embarassment! A cb2000 is a male chastity belt. But saying "male chastity belt" makes it sound kinda nice and cushy and supportive, when really it's quite NOT! And the sophisticated locking ring mechanism is so easy to use...Look! The CB-2000 consists of 2 parts: Ring 'A':Is a round design eliminating any pinching or chaffing while being worn. There is a center recessed hole that accepts the locking pin. There are two side holes that accept the guide pins from the 'B' ring. The guide pins are designed to take the torque when one becomes erect. The 'A' ring comes in five different sizes: 1 1/2" I.D., 1 5/8" I.D., 1 3/4" I.D., 1 7/8" I.D. and 2.0" I.D. The five 'A' rings are included with each order. This helps to eliminate the need to find an exact size. Ring 'B': Again, is a round design. The 'B' ring has 2 guide pins that feed into the 'A' ring. The locking pin feeds from the 'A' ring through the 'B' ring and accepts either a small brass padlock or plastic lock for security. Rings 'C' and 'D':These two rings are connected by way of bars that connect to the 'B' ring. Rings 'B', 'C' and 'D' make up one complete unit. This cage portion encases the penis and attaches to the 'A' ring. Ring 'D':Two small bars go across the bottom of Ring 'D'. This prevents manual stimulation while still allowing use at the urinals. The Center Length of the Cage Portion is 2 1/2". The inside diameter is 1 1/2". Please take the size into consideration when ordering. Weight..CB-2000 weights less than 2 1/2 ounces completely assembled with the plastic lock. Various sized spacers are provided for the purpose of security and comfort according to the individual need. Locks: Brass Padlock: A durable brass padlock with 2 keys is provided with each order. Plastic Locks: Each order receives 5 plastic locks. Each lock is individually numbered to assure tamper proof. Once the plastic locks have been engaged the only method of removal is to cut the lock itself, they cannot be re-attached or glued back in place. Each CB-2000, CB-3000 and The Curve come in a beautiful stamped Gift Box. The product is wrapped in tissue paper. The perfect gift... that keeps on giving!

Now who wouldn't WANT that!!!!

Why do people do these strange things? WHY??

I just don't get it.

I've decided to keep my comments to myself...I don't think I need any more friends right now!

Check these out!

http://www.ezprezzo.com/crazypics/its_not_safe.html

Perhaps an Imminent Death

My computer is on it's last few dying breaths, I don't know how much longer it will hold out! About an hour ago my monitor completely died. Black screen of death. I tried to restart 5 times, changed all the contrast/brightness settings, nothing worked. My face went as white as the screen went black. "noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!" I screamed in my head, "this can not be!!" As I sat here in sulleny a part of me thought "maybe it's for the best, my hard drive is shot anyway..."But then I thought of all my work and thought... "noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!! this can not be!!" I sat here, heart pounding, considering defeat, thinking "How? How? How do I fix this!! Ohmygod! no! How? How? How do I fix this!! I decided it was "fight or flight". I carefully raised my left hand... and with one last almost-defeated breath of hope I b-slapped the life back into my love/hate relationship. And I feel good about it.

Sometimes ya just gotta take charge!

The Pencil

Did you hear the one about the broken pencil?

...Nevermind. It's pointless!

The Cordoba

One Time...

My fiance who was working on the rigs wanted me to come out to his camp and spend a night with him at his trailor.

The previous week my car had died. Actually died isn't the word. The transmission dropped onto the road while I was driving it!

But that's another story.

So he gave me this Cordoba to drive until I found something else. It was horrible. It was so huge you could probably fit like 18 bodies in the trunk comfortably and I couldn't park it at all either. Not my favorite vehicle to drive.

I headed out after work so it was already getting dark. And I decided spur of the moment to show up kinda skantily dressed with a long coat overtop.

I popped in my Alanis Morrisette Jagged Little Pill tape and I was off.

Somewhere near Sruce Grove and Mary Jane, I started to hear this faint

"tap tap tap tap".

It was a steady tap, but I figured maybe there was something caught in the tire and it would soon dislodge and everything would be fine. On I drove.

But it kept getting worse. And highway 16 West is a DARK highway at night. And I had seen quite a few hitchhikers that night and one of them really creeped me out just the way he looked at me I guess.

"TAP TAP TAP TAP TAP"

The tapping was really getting loud, and seemed faster too. Now I am half dressed, alone on a dark highway, creeped out by a scary lone hitchhiker, I did not want to stop to see what it was.

Around this time people started pulling up next to me and smirking, even one lady pointed! By this time I'm picturing the Cordoba as like the Flinstones Airlines, with a big pteridatctal bird on top wondering if I would soon take flight.

I was completely frightened, with every passing stare of disbelief, I just hammered the gas and went faster. I JUST WANTED TO GET THERE!

I turned off finally onto the logging road to the lease. Suddenly the tapping almost went away...but as soon as I sped up, it started up again.

The noise was so loud by then even Alanis's pipes couldn't drown out the noise.

My heart pounding, I scanned the ditches in the dark for the tiny orange marker to turn

Finally I saw it...Precision 302...YES!!!

I took the corner too fast and fishtailed into the lease.

I could see my ex, about the size of my thumb, off near the cut line.

I floored it, a massive billowing trail of smoke and rock spitting from the gravel road behind me. I'm sure I looked like a lunatic.

As I neared, I saw him drop down to his knees and fall down to the ground.

Oh God! I was afraid to ask.

I pulled up to the ditch where my ex was wiping tears and holding his guts like he had a fatal case of salmonella poisoning and got out.

The beautiful cream colored rag that covered the top half of the car had slowly torn back during my drive and was draped over the back half of the cordoba like a big cape.

It wasn't tapping, it was FLAPPING!

Totally classic!

That was another one of the best laughs of my life. The ex even took the car and came down the road a few times just to show me how ridiculously funny it looked.

Yes...it could only happen to me!

The rare occasion I need to vent

Today I had a really rude awakening. I got a phone call saying the ASS who broke into my house is pleading not guilty! He already admitted to being in here when he was first arrested. The trial is in January.

I am fuming.

He has no idea what he's up against. This is all I have to say:

Dear M, There are several people in this world that I find obnoxious and you are all of them... you don't hesitate to speak your mind because you have nothing to lose. You have an inferiority complex - and it's fully justified. You're like one of those "idiot savants," except without the "savant" part. It is mind over matter. I don't mind, because you don't matter. I'd like to give you a going-away present ... but you have to do your part. Buh-bye.

It's that word thing!

Someone out there either has too much spare time or is deadly at Scrabble.

(Wait till you see the last one)

DORMITORY:

When you rearrange the letters:

DIRTY ROOM

______________

*PRESBYTERIAN

When you rearrange the letters:

BEST IN PRAYER

_______________________

ASTRONOMER:

When you rearrange the letters:

MOON STARER

_____________

DESPERATION:

When you rearrange the letters:

A ROPE ENDS IT

____________________

THE EYES

When you rearrange the letters:

THEY SEE

____________________

**GEORGE BUSH

When you rearrange the letters:

*HE BUGS GORE

______________________

**THE MORSE CODE**:

When you rearrange the letters:

HERE COME DOTS

_________________

SLOT MACHINES:

When you rearrange the Letters:

CASH LOST IN ME

___________________

**ANIMOSITY:**

When you rearrange the letters:

IS NO AMITY

__________________

ELECTION RESULTS

When you rearrange the letters

:*LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

_____________________

**SNOOZE ALARMS:**

When you rearrange the letters:

**ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

________________

A DECIMAL POINT:

When you rearrange the letters:

IM A DOT IN PLACE

______________

**THE EARTHQUAKES:

**When you rearrange the letters

THAT QUEER SHAKE

______________

ELEVEN PLUS TWO

When you rearrange the letters

TWELVE PLUS ONE

_________

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE...

**MOTHER-IN-LAW:**

When you rearrange the letters

*WOMAN HITLER*

Kids say...

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".

A Ying to my Yang Thing

ODE TO T.dot

"WHAT IS A FRIEND??"

A friend does not care if you are a 5th generation landed immigrant or a geeky gawky teenager who wears faux-leather jumpsuits complete with black mesh to junior high on picture day.

A friend will be by your side day in and day out, especially in crisis situations and also because they knew you were serious when you said they couldn't leave anyway.

Friends don't care when they have to wash out their own glass everytime they come over to visit, because helping's what it's all about.

Friends don't judge each other for making bad judgement calls, especially where men are concerned. They tell you those famous words "you can do better".

Friends don't laugh at you when you get slammed in the back door of a bus and obtain a head injury. Well maybe at first, but then they'd be all like, concerned.

A true friend will help you to be able to laugh at yourself and not get upset when you laugh at them. It's all about the love.

"Friends don't let friends smoke in front of gas pumps!"(*remember the PO??:))

A friend will wear your warm uncomfortable sandals uphill on a hot night just cus you're getting blisters

A real friend will lie just to be able to pick you up at the airport!

A real friend will say I'm proud of you when you've done a good job

My very good friend Taylor is moving away from me in like 2 days!

I don't know what I am going to do without her around...

We've spent nearly every day for the past year or so together and in that relatively short period of time she has become like a sister.

We have stories that probably shouldn't be repeated but with every one came a huge laugh and unforgettable memory. I am going to miss her with all my heart.

This is probably the best laugh we ever had.

The shot was there, she had camera in hand...you couldn't not notice.

I'm sorry if I offend anyone, I'm just trying to show an example of *situations* we've come across. Saturday night past was a prime example but definately not something I'd post to the public...anyhoo...

Taylor I know you're going to read this so I wanted to say

Thank you!

Just for being the greatest friend I could ever ask for!

I'm so proud of you for taking this new journey in your life and I know

you're going to do so good, but I will miss you every day!

So my friend, you better keep in touch, and visit (since you're the one with the car)

I love you, Taylor {sniff}

Call me when you get there! :(

No one to tell

As a young man, Norton was an exceptional golfer. At the age of 26, however, he decided to become a priest, and joined a rather peculiar order. He took the usual vows of poverty and chastity, but his order also required that he quit golf and never play again. This was particularly difficult for Norton, but he agreed and was finally ordained a priest. One exceptionally beautiful Sunday morning, the Reverend Father Norton woke up knowing that he just had to play golf. So he told the associate pastor that he was feeling sick, asking him to take over the mass for that day. As soon as the associate pastor had left the room, Father Norton was out the door, headed for a golf course a couple of hours away (so he would not accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish). Setting up on the first tee, he was alone, utterly alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church. At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord and asked, "You are not going to let him get away with this, are you?"The Lord sighed, and answered, "No, I guess not." Father Norton hit the ball. It shot straight towards the pin, landed just short of it ... rolled up, and dropped neatly into the hole. It was a 420-yard hole in one! St. Peter was astonished: "Why in heaven did you let him do that?"The Lord smiled. "Who is he going to tell?"

Three Golfers

Three golfing partners died in a car wreck and went to heaven. Upon arrival they discover the most beautiful golf course they have ever seen. St. Peter tells them that they are all welcome to play the course, but he cautions them that there is only one rule: Don't hit the ducks. The men all have blank expressions, and finally one of them asks "The ducks?" "Yes", St. Peter replies, "There are millions of ducks walking around the course and if one gets hit, he squawks then the one next to him squawks and soon they're all squawking to beat the band and it really breaks the tranquility. If you hit the ducks, you'll be punished, otherwise everything is yours to enjoy." Upon entering the course, the men noted that there were indeed large numbers of ducks everywhere. Within fifteen minutes, one of the guys hit one of them. The duck squawked, the one next to it squawked and soon there was a deafening roar of duck quacks. St. Peter walked up with an extremely homely woman in tow and asked "Who hit the duck?" The guy who had done it admitted "I did."St. Peter immediately pulled out a pair of handcuffs and cuffed the man's right hand to the homely woman's left hand. "I told you not to hit the ducks," he said. "Now you'll be handcuffed together for eternity." The other two men were very cautious not to hit any ducks, but a couple of weeks later, one of them accidentally did. The quacks were as deafening as before and within minutes St. Peter walked up with an even uglier woman. St.Peter determined which one had hit the duck by the fear in his face and cuffed the man's right hand to the homely woman's left hand. I told you not to hit the ducks," he said. "Now you'll be handcuffed together for eternity." The third man was extremely careful. Some days he wouldn't even move for fear of even nudging a duck. After three months of this he still hadn't hit a duck. St. Peter walked up to the man at the end of the three months and had with him a knock-out gorgeous woman, the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen. St. Peter smiled to the man and then, without a word, handcuffed him to the beautiful woman and walked off. The man, knowing that he would be handcuffed to this woman for eternity, let out a sigh and said "What have I done to deserve this?" The woman responded "I don't know about you, but I hit a duck."

My Quote

On my trip, we had a book of quotes we carried along with us, and each meal time one of us was asked to pick a quote that stood out or meant something to them and read it aloud. This is the quote that I chose:

(and I truly believe it)

Each time a man stands up for an idea, or acts to improve the lot of others, or strikes out against injustice, he send forth a tiny ripple of hope; and crossing each other from a million different centers of energy and daring, those ripples build a current that can sweep down the mightiest walls of oppression and resistance. Few are willing to brave the disapproval of their fellows, the censure of their colleagues, the wrath of their society. Moral courage is a rarer commodity than bravery in battle or great intelligence. Yet, it is the one essential vital quality for those who seek to change a world that yields most painfully to change. Robert Kennedy

More pics from my trip

Right after we scaled the mountain peak it had started to rain a bit. Well it was more of a soft sprinkle...but when we got down to the bottom, we were blessed with this beee-utiful rainbow. It was massive, and a perfect way to end the whole experience of the day!

The early mornings usually started off with yoga! That's me in the black. I'm even thinking of doing this on my own at home, I don't think I'd ever been more relaxed or at peace.

That's me!!

Apparently I've been told rock climbing is my calling! I made it up and down this wall in 7 min 20 seconds and was even nicknamed Spidergirl! What a rush! Definately not as easy as it may look, and I'm still hurtin but it was worth it.

One of the spots where we rested on the way to our camp.

I was joked about that I looked like a Eurpoean backpacker wearing my long johns with hiking boots and gators, but it was hot that day and I guess when you stink that bad you just don't care.

I made the GREATEST friend on this trip...everyone meet Dee, she's an amazing heart and spirit and I will remember her always!

I shared with her that I wanted to learn bellydancing and am planning on taking lessons...and it turned out she's a bellydancer! So she taught me some basics and some moves and graciously performed for our group on an old logging road.

She also constantly sang to me, usually in Russian, cus that's where she's from, and we even skinny dipped together in the freezing lake. A first for me, but I was dying from all the bug bites and the cold water seemed to do wonders for the swelling on my face!

Morning clouds ascending on our campsite right before the sun welcomed the day.