Case of the Pregnant Lady

ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659---CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY This lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested. The case came up in court.The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are Comin' and I grinned." "Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling', and I had to smile. "Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself." "BUT, your Honor, when She moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said,'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident'... I just lost it." "CASE DISMISSED!!"

This just in...

A British company is developing computer chips which store music in women's breast implants. This is a major breakthrough, since women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them :)

Way to go Boys! Oilers Rock!!!

Tribute to tonights win by the Oilers against the not-so-mighty ducks!

Now, this is what hockey is all about!!

Sitting here with my window open, I just hear a steady stream of honking and cheering, whistling, drunken whoops of joy and lots of stomping to the tune of "Lets go Oilers, lets go"...you know. Theres a hockey party in the garage behind the alley and I can hear those annoying blasting trumpet things from near and far. Edmonton fans are so die-hard it's impossible to NOT get dragged into all the excitement. Anyways, awesome game! Hope y'all got to enjoy it too!

Arrested! Developments

The police were searching for a break and enter suspect and after over 24 hours with no luck finding him, they called the victim of the B&E's on her cell phone to report that they had had no luck and were going to be off for 4 days now, so they would resume their search at that time and to call 911 if said suspect came around in the meantime and to take safety precautions.

The woman started to panic... but before the panic had even completely registered there was another call on her home phone...it was said accused! He said he was at a payphone in the rain and wanted to talk! She told him to stay there and call back in 2 minutes. With cell phone and police still on the line, she told them his location and the payphone number and they raced off to find him, they were right in the immediate area!

Said accused called right back, and she managed to keep him on the line until the police found him. When they arrived all he could say was "The police are here...why are the police here...__ what is going on, why are the police here..."

No coincidence here. This was divine intervention of the most glorious kind. Said accused was released within 24 hours but he still had to sit for almost 12 hours in a tiny holding cell, cold and wet from the rain, I bet it really sucked. And GOOD!

I guess this is just a reminder of the beauty of the universe, "what goes around comes around", nothing is fate, things happen for a reason.

...A small yet satisfying victory!

My New Mantra

Funny Pics

The Worlds Dumbest Contestant

Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha

ArtLove

...Some examples of my creative endeavors...

Photo Restorations Business Card for a client Norman Rockwell inspired sketch of my son Animal mama and baby picture, hand drawn for picture frame Banner for the Lounge at the Abbotsford Airport 6' x 6' Highway construction sign Logo for a non-profit organization in BC, Focus Disability Network Society, which links people with disabilities with community support and referrals to programs. Apple Sketch

Hi Everybody!

I know it's been a long time, but as some of you know things have been crazy nuts. I could add a whole new read to one of my previous blogs titled "you never know" and the first one would pale in comparison. But I will start off with some pics! Yay pics! This is me with my new reading glasses. Don't I look professional?? he he . Ya, right. For me, it's just a reminder of my old age. Thank God for Miss Clairol, or I fear the consensus that I look about 24 would dissolve rapidly. Actually I have felt quite professional lately. I got an "Assistant" job with the 2006 Census, which I started on May 1st. I have a cute little desk on the 25th floor of the Oxford Tower which has the most amazing view of all of North Edmonton. What a view! If you walk around the whole floor you get a pretty spectacular view of the whole city. I have never seen Edmonton like this before. Pretty cool. Alas, I was hired knowing it was a temporary position, knowing it could end anytime, and I got the horrible phone call last night, I have to go in on Tuesday and hand in my security key and photo ID. Sniff. Goodbye gorgeous view. Goodbye cute heels and office wear. Goodbye sardine ride on the LRT. Goodbye smoke butt pickers out of all the ashtrays downtown. Goodbye homeless dirty man who told me I looked nice the other day...(Not like he was lying- I looked hot...but wouldn't ANYONE who showers look nice to a dirty old homeless man?) Well, thanks anyways. Lets see...well for Mothers Day, I spent the day with my gran, my mom and my sisters family. We went to Burnt Meat Lake outside of Camrose where we had a really nice time. There were even some horses there who stomped and snorted at us until we gave them a little attention before they playfully trotted away. Well, I have to go now, but I will try to write more later tonight. Bye for now!

Why Men Die Before Women...

This has been my week!!

eye candy for the soul

This is the cool watermark I designed for my artwork!

The Blind Walmart Clerk

A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. A Wal-Mart associate is standing there wearing dark shades. She says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?" He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes. She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway. He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco404 reel and 10-LB. test line. It's a good all around combination and it's on sale this week for only $20.00." She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor. "Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says. She bends down to pick it up and accidentally breaks wind. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around. The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please." The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?" He replies, "Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call Is $11.00 and the Catfish Bait is $3.50."

The Redhead

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and says "My body hurts wherever I touch it." "Impossible!", says the doctor. "Show me." The redhead takes her finger, pushes on her left breast and screams, then she pushes her elbow and screams in even more agony. She pushes her knee and screams, then she pushes on her thigh and more screaming. Pushes her ankle, more screams and everywhere she touches it makes her scream. The doctor says, "You're not really a redhead are you?" "Well, no" she says, "I'm actually a blonde." "I thought so", the doctor says. "Your finger is broken."

My Favorite T-Shirt

You could just about say I have a collection of

really cool tees,but this is my ultimate favorite one. Besides being pink, nice and worn in,I love the design which is for

Pretty Kitty Pet Grooming.

Just a little something about me. :)

Aww

Old Man on a Bench An old man of ninety was sitting on a park bench crying. A policeman noticed this and asked him why he was crying."Well," says the old fellow, "I just got married to a twenty-five year old woman. Every morning she makes me a wonderful breakfast, and we have then have fun together laughing and relaxing. In the afternoon she makes me a wonderful lunch and then we make fun together laughing and relaxing again. At dinner time she makes me a wonderful supper and then we relax more and enjoy ourselves." The policeman looks at the old man and says, "You shouldn't be crying! You should be the happiest man in the world!"So the old man says, "I know! I'm crying because I don't remember where I live!"

...But the greatest of all is LOVE!!

Happy Valentines' Day!

Things that I love:

• Morning Kisses
• Amaretto Coffee
• Walking on the sunny side of the street
• A good book you can't put down
• Hugs from a child
• Color
• Pepsi
• "Garage" Clothes
• Ginger Beef
• PHOTOSHOP
• Creating a masterpiece of art
• Quiet
• Kickin a guys butt at pool
• Foo Fighters
• Choclairs chocolate bars
• Turtle Cookies

The list could go on but I won't bore you to death. Just an ode to the things in life that brings me happiness. (Besides my friends and family, of course!)

In other news, I am happy to say that I am working on a website for my Aunty and things are coming along. It's reassuring to know that I haven't lost all my brain cells over the past year and I can recollect and retain information I learned over a year ago. I will add a link to the website when I am done (hoping for April 1st by the latest)

And what would my blog be without a tale of some sort? It's been a long time.

One time I was coming home from a doctors appointment and I had to walk about 10 miles in the scorching BC heat. I made it about half way and decided to stop into A&W to get a cold drink. I was at the condiment table getting a straw and this creepy dirty homeless man started in my direction. I hoped that if I pretended not to see him that he wouldn't see me but he came over anyways and proceeded to put his face very close to my body, which made me a bit uncomfortable. I was about to look for a staff member when he leaned over really close and whispered, barely audible,

"You have no smell."

I shot back, bewildered,"WHAT?!"

"You have no smell", he exclaimed. "Most women have a SCENT, you have no smell."

"Well, thanks", I said, "I guess that could be a good thing."

Then I left, still a bit bewildered, all the rest of the way wondering if it was a good thing. At least he didn't say "HEY, YOU STINK, LADY".

I guess in the spirit of love, I love that I have all these stories about wierd people I encounter. Like the homeless prostitute who lived in the basement bathroom of the old Farmers Market and wanted to use my makeup because mine was "nicer", or Fargo Lady whos response to everything I say is "Ooooh, Yoh, Eehhhhhh?!" who I have yet to write about but I guess I could.

Well, Happy Valentines' to everyone,

To all I love who have love in their life, I hope you keep it forever and always. And for those who don't I hope this is your year to find it!

I feel so loved!!

It is nice to know that so many people have missed me in my absence! I know it's been a while... For a while I just didn't have anything noteworthy to write about. Then I just got kinda busy, then after that this computer was crashing on me so we needed some space from each other. I've been checking into some classes and can't decide whether I should go with school or work. It's a tough decision. I have been working on some flyers for my photo restorations and I am no longer Graphically Hip, but GraphiGirl! I'll have to post one up on this blog! I am also looking forward to a 7 day hiking trip for the first week of July. I get a 7 day all expense paid trip to hike and scale a mountain near Pemberton, BC. And I'll get to be there for my birthday. Yay me! Bring out the dancin banana! Other than that, not much else is new. I have to decide on the school/work issue very soon so I'll update on that next time! :)

Lucky Bunny

I was sitting outside mulling over the past year, and wondering if Life was going to be good to me in 2006 when along came this rabbit, which to me could only mean one thing...luck!! Yay me!! It kinda reminded me of the time I got the haircut and was walking down the street wondering how it looked, and that lady said she liked my hair. Anyway, I kinda expected the bunny to hop away quick, but he didn't, he sat there until I left. Which to me, meant I would have luck, and it was there to stay. Wishful thinking? Perhaps. I call it positive thinking. This year was a rollercoaster. A year ago today I was living in Abbotsford, going to school, hopeful about 2005. But...luck or not, I intend to make 2006 my year! I'd like to quit smoking while I'm at it but we'll see how that goes. I'll be busy in January looking for a new apartment, tending to legal matters and working on a website. So to all of you best of luck in 2006, may your year be filled with health, wealth and happiness...and may you all cross paths with your own lucky bunny!

It's been a while!

Post Christmas recovery! It's been a very busy month. But now that Christmas is over I finally have time to sit down as the kids are occupied with the hundreds of awesome presents that are strewn about my home. There have actually been times of complete silence. Amazing! But look at my kids faces! It makes all the stress worth it!

It's beginning to look at lot like Christmas!

Lifes' Lessons

Having a bad day? I am. But it could be worse. (Believe me, it can always be worse.) I've been there on many levels. So today as I struggled through my angst, I thought of a really bad day that I had. This could probably go into the category of "One Time..." but today it's more than that. Don't ask why. It just is. It was late in November when I lived in Abbotsford and working as a drywallers' helper. Our job was in Richmond in a very posh new development overlooking the Georgia Strait, and we had like 7 units to complete in like 4 days and things were not going along as scheduled. This morning started off terribly. We woke up to freezing, pouring rain, and a flat tire on our crappy little Hyundai we were calling the work vehicle. It was a bit of a beater, one of the windows had been rolled down and wouldn't go back up so was covered by a piece of plastic and duct tape, and the muffler was going, so it looked and sounded like a real gem! Anyway, we started off waking up late and having to fix the flat tire in the rain. Then the car wouldn't start so we had to give it a boost. By this time we were 45 minutes behind and very anxious to get going and get our daily Tim Hortons fix before the congestion on highway 1 to Vancouver was unbearable. By the time we got to Timmys and through the drive thru we were about an hour and a half behind, but hopeful that the worst was over and happy to finally be on the highway. Ha! We made it to the Aldergrove overpass when we were going through our mental checklist of things we had to do for the day, when we realized we neglected to bring some of the most important tools that were needed. And of course we had to wait until Langley to be able to turn around, but we HAD to, we had no choice. So, back we went. Cussin all the way. This contractor was very impatient and wanted us there like 2 hours ago. The rain was falling so hard you couldn't see the road, and I was freezing in the back seat, squeezed amid all the tools and next to the plastic window, which was flapping in my ear so I could hardly hear a thing...but at this time I still had my steamy double double so I was alright. We had just arrived back in Abby when suddenly... boom! The car hit a boulder (Well a REALLY BIG rock) right in the middle of the road which was so cleverly concealed by the rain- and probably because we had no defrost and you could hardly see through the windows. Instead of stopping, we just headed home to check out the damage there. When we got back we found that half the muffler was hanging off, but decided to quickly MacGyver it with a coathanger and just get to the job! We threw the tools into the car and left again, now like 3 hours late. At least this time out we made it a bit further before catastrophe commenced. We were just talking about how nothing more could go wrong (I never ever do that anymore) and I believe we were actually in Surrey at this point, when a towtruck in the left lane decided, I guess, that he really had to get a Starbucks coffee...cause he completely cut us off (we were in the right lane) And, not only did he cut us off, he pulled only halfway into the driveway and decided to stop with all his junk hanging out into our lane. There was nothing we could do. We crashed into the back of his truck, crumpling the hood of our lovely Hyundai. Well this didn't go over very well for the driver of the car, who was already furious and overly anxious to get to this job and get it done. But thanks to Starbucks and their generosity of a couple free coffees and a coathanger to hold down the hood, we were on our way, only about 5 hours late. I think we each spent the rest of the drive to Richmond in TOTAL silence. But we made it. Unfortunately, by this time, all of the other contractors were gone, and they turned off the water and didn't leave us any lights. And being right on the oceanfront, it was pitch black, so we only had about 2 hours of work before we had to pack it up and go home. So now we were heading back home, in the rain still. I was tired and cold, with wet feet, crammed amid the tools, going deaf from the flapping plastic and frustrated by the whole events of the day. Actually, it was probably carbon monoxide poisoning due to the muffler rather than being tired, but that's besides the point. I can't remember exactly where we were, but I looked to the left at one point and thought "Oh! Look at that house...it's in the middle of a lake". Then I looked at the other side of the highway and thought "hmm. Are we right by a river or something?" The highway we were on was on very low land, and was being washed out right as we were on it. Right then suddenly you couldn't see any road. It was terrifying. I thought we'd be washed out to sea, never to be seen again. :( Thankfully though, that road was on a steep incline and soon enough we were climbing a hill to safety. BUT as soon as we got to the crest of the hill, we were nearly T-boned by a lunatic in a white car who decided to turn in front of us with no signal and no warning. That was the last of the drama for the day. But the trauma stayed with me for a long time! I was thinking today...maybe that day happened for a purpose. Maybe it happened because today I was brooding and thinking unhappy thoughts and I needed to be able to look back and say Hey. I had a worse day once. A really worse day. And this really isn't so bad when you put it all in perspective.

Scary Story

My sister had just given birth to her first child, Braden. The next day I went to visit her in the morning, but couldn't stay, so that evening I had decided to go back and visit her even though visiting hours would soon be over. By the time I got to the hospital and found a parking spot 2 blocks away, the main entrance of the Royal Alex was already closed, but I figured I could find another door and sneak in that way.

I walked around the side of the hospital. It was pitch black outside and I was thinking with all the nooks and crannys, that someone could easily be hiding in wait for a cute young target such as myself. I spotted someone going into a door so I started to walk towards it when suddenly out of the corner of my eye I saw a shadow of a person smoking in one of the nooks. I walked a little faster, bee lining for the door, but I could soon hear through the quiet of the night that he was following me.

I booked it for the door and as soon as I got inside I realized I was in the basement tunnels and I had no idea which way led to the elevators. I was walking at a brisk pace, looking for a sign. Behind me, I heard the door close once more and then the sound of footsteps down the tunnel, faint at first, but getting louder. It was like a horror movie. I started to run now. I turned a corner and was face to face with the elevator, panicking, breathing heavily.

The footsteps were getting louder...closer.

I kept pushing the button, like it was going to make it get there any faster, FREAKING out, thinking the worst possible thoughts that could go through my head.

The footsteps were getting louder...closer, I could hear my own heartbeat, I was PRAYING for the elevator door to open before the scary nook man got to me. And then "ding". The door opened.

I could still hear his steps coming. I got in as fast as I could and was pounding on the close door button. Now the steps were faster, he was running!

The door started to close, seemingly in slow motion. All I could think of was "CLOSE, DAM DOOR! CLOSE! BEFORE THE SCARY MONSTER GETS TO ME!" His footsteps were right there! My finger still planted on the close door button, I watched the doors, closing in seemingly extra slow motion, expecting this big scary hand to come between the slight crack of light and pry open the doors, then come in and strangle the life out of me. Then I thought "I'm just being foolish. Theres absolutely nothing to be worried about."...When suddenly...

WHAM! The big scary hand slammed between the doors and started to pry them open.

I couldn't breathe. I couldn't believe my foolish thought was actually happening.

He stepped inside. The door started to close, I wanted to scream. The two doors merged with a metallic echo through the silence. And then he spoke.

"Looks like it's going to be a long painful night".

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I screamed in my head, as I struggled not to pee my pants.

I quickly turned and looked him in the face. "WHAT?!"

"My wife is having a baby tonight. She's been in labor since this morning", he replied.

Big whoosh of relief for me. I started to breathe again.

It's funny now, though at the time I'd never been so scared in my life... It's that overactive imagination I mentioned earlier. But I think it makes for some good stories. And I have many, many more.

Awwww!

The best love story of all time...

Big Fish!

This is my all time favorite love story. Of course the movie was much more than this, but I think it was the best part of the movie. Of course, I KNOW...it's just a movie, but wouldn't it be great to tell your kids?? In this movie, the main man (and object of my unrealistic desire :) ) is Edward. He travels to a new town and ends up at the circus, where he sees the woman of his dreams and believes they are destined to get married. The two make eye contact. And as they do, all motion freezes. A fiery baton remains mid-twirl, flames locked in place. A spilled box of popcorn hangs in mid-air, each kernel like a snowflake. Even the elephant is mid-poop. Only Edward is free to move, winding his way between the frozen bodies, ducking underneath arms to get closer and closer to this woman. Edward says: They say when you meet the love of your life, time stops. And that’s true. What they don’t tell you, is that once time starts again, it moves extra fast to catch up. Suddenly, everything RUSHES. The crowd becomes a blur, and the young woman is lost in its wake. Now it’s Edward who’s frozen, helpless in time. Edward checks in windows as cars pull out, searching for his fated love. Not finding her, he becomes more frantic,running down the rows. He loses her, so he talks to the Circus ringleader and asks to find out who she is. He tells the guy , "I’ll work night and day, and you won’t have to pay me. You just have to tell me who she is." Amos says for every month of work, he can find out ONE thing about her. Edward works month after month to find out the smallest details of her life, like that he favorite flower is daffodils, or that she likes music. And after 3 years he hadn't even found out her name. Finally, after Edward saves Amos's life, he tells Edward her name and where she is going to college. Edward shows up at the college with 10,000 daffodils and waits 6 hours on the lawn just for a chance to talk to her. Face to face, he tells her: You don’t know me, but my name is Edward Bloom and I am in love with you. I’ve spent the last three years working to find out who you are. I’ve been shot and stabbed and trampled a few times, had my ribs broken twice, but it’s all worth it to see you here, now, and to finally get to talk to you. Because I am destined to marry you. I knew that from the first moment I saw you at the circus. And I know it now more than ever. Sandra says You don’t even know me. Edward says I have the rest of my life to find out!

NOW WHO WOULDN'T WANT A LOVE LIKE THAT!

Anyways, thats my blog today. Just thought, you know, we got action, adventure, humor, and intellect...and now, romance. What could be better reading?

Pick-Up lines

The worst I've heard

• Your eyes...are so big...and beautiful...like...EGGS!
• I don't need to know her real name, just wanna take her home and "tap her"
• I "used to be" bisexual
• C'mon. Slap and a tickle! No strings attached!
• My magical watch says you aren't wearing any panties. Oh, you are? It must be an hour fast!
• Do you know what'd look good on you?? Me
• I'm hot, you're hot. Wanna go out tonight?

I mean, what is wrong with people these days! Do they actually think that any of these lines would actually work?

I guess for some, they just might. Myself, I laugh in the face of such nonsense. I'd much prefer a gentleman, who just says sweet stuff...like "have I told you that you are beautiful tonight" or "you're much much better than fudge!". You know! A little class works wonders.

"God spilled the paint!"

This is just amazing. I would love to see this in person!

"Feedin' Beavers"

I took my son down to the river the other day to soak up some of the little remaining nice weather we have left. I watched him for a little while as he took every stick he could find and proceed to throw it as far as he could into the water...after a few minutes of this, I thought. Hmmm....Maybe he shouldn't be doing this. So I told him "Shay, no more sticks, kay baby!" to which he promptly replied "...Aww. But I'm feedin' the beavers! One more, kay mom?" Kids are so awesome! I didn't have the heart to tell him if there WERE any hungry beavers in the North Saskatchewan at that time, they were probably all scary like, having a third eye or extra body parts, not to mention the smell I'm sure they'd emit coming out of that water! Ew!